Unplugged - by Janette

I feel like a terrible human being writing this post, but I must be honest.

When the doctor relayed to me that there were problems with the anatomy scan, something instantaneously switched off in me. It was like this natural self-preserving defense helping me to cope. But I do not like it.

For the first time, my affection for Baby turned cold. I even felt angry toward Baby for putting me through half of a pregnancy and its current miseries -- for nothing. I still could not feel any movement from Baby, so our connection felt tenuous at best. Anger sprang up in me every time I looked down at my painful elephant swollen feet due to Baby's extra fluids, during my awful morning vomit, and held my sore, aching pelvic region. It was like the maternal side in me died with the news of our ultrasound.

As I look out toward the horizon of further testing, procedures, and heartache, I feel nothing but duty and responsibility as the vessel carrying Baby. I know termination is not an option for us, that we must fight to give Baby any living chance... that I must. I must endure for the sake of Baby with the cost steep.

With these wintry feelings toward Baby, I find myself not taking care of Baby or myself as much today. I bend over, do not watch my diet, carry heavy things... what kind of mother am I? Why did God choose me to sustain this child?

Derrick reminds me this is our precious baby, dearly loved and created in the image of God. God allowed us to be his/her parents, and we ought to care for Baby with everything we have. We stand for life.

And that our baby is not dead yet.

A dear friend who walked through something similar shared Matt Hammitt's song, "All of Me". I had not known it was about struggling with investing in and loving his son, Bowen, with a congenital heart defect. Thankful for her encouragement to choose to love.

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?

Our Savior and Lord Christ Jesus chose to love through His death and resurrection from the cross. For people who would never repay or thank Him. We are reading Tim Keller’s Meaning of Marriage in the women’s group, and there is an entire chapter on love as a choice for our husbands. Keller points out the parent-child relationship is a microcosm of that: that it feels like an easier choice vs. daily choice to love husband. But that in the daily decision to choose love (whether it is husband or child), your affections catch up. Specifically for your child, it takes decades for your child to understand the magnitude of the infant care, sacrifice, cooking, cleaning, nurturing, etc, and may never become “lovable”. But your child/spouse will always seem lovely to you because you have rolled up your sleeves and put in the work to love and love without return.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. - Romans 12:12

My song I keep coming back to for Baby.

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you