Today is Sunday. Most of the families at church have a glimpse of what is going on. We are thankful for our church body and soon will let more people know about our baby. We have no desire to be the center of attention or to have our baby be the focus of all our conversations until she is born, but today she is all that is on our mind.
Singing at church today had all the songs we have been thinking about the past few days and more: Blessed be Your Name, It is Well, He Will Hold Me Fast. These songs reflect the sadness in our hearts, but our desire to cling and hope in God. There is something special about singing together today holding Janette's hand. We will be okay. Today we are singing these songs through a new lens, maybe our best worship is when we sing in hard times.
Maybe it is God's gift we have children to distract us, or maybe it makes us not deal with the situation in full. The engineer or project manager in me is tempted to think of our situation as a set of decisions to make rather than deal with the reality of what is going on, to prioritize the intellect and the tangible over the emotions.
We are thankful for the care, wisdom, and experiences of our friends that God has given us. The genuine words of those who have experienced loss are especially comforting, their encouragement has an extra ounce of hope.
One brother genuinely asked, "How are you doing?" When I responded with a "we" (Janette and I), he interrupted, "No. How are you doing? Don't hide behind her, though she is important. How are you doing?" I'm naturally not a very open person, but I never thought I would be tempted to mask my feelings behind Janette's. This helps me think about my own jumbled emotions and feelings a little more. Again thankful for genuine love and care.
One brother genuinely asked, "How are you doing?" When I responded with a "we" (Janette and I), he interrupted, "No. How are you doing? Don't hide behind her, though she is important. How are you doing?" I'm naturally not a very open person, but I never thought I would be tempted to mask my feelings behind Janette's. This helps me think about my own jumbled emotions and feelings a little more. Again thankful for genuine love and care.
I told a handful of people today at church. I started to break down every time. I could not get the words out clearly through the tears. The words come out as a broken whisper: "Our baby is going to die." I know it is okay to cry and be sad, it is nothing to be ashamed of, but it is not easy to share. Maybe over the next few months it will get easier, should it get easier? It is almost as if I don’t say it, it isn't real. But it is real.
Though we are aware it is not easy for everyone to hear of such news when we share, there is no great response we are expecting. We appreciate everyone's simple words and genuine sympathy. Some ask how they can help and support us but I do not know what we need.
On a side note: After church lunch, I caught 2 children falling off a chair and broke a tendon in my pinky finger. It wasn't even a hard fall, I am getting old. I texted a doctor friend who immediately diagnosed it correctly and went to Urgent Care for x-rays to double check. Thankfully, it was taken care of right away and does not really hurt. It is more of an inconvenience. I will have to wear a splint for the next 6-8 weeks. With everything going on, I showed Janette my bent pinky finger and just laughed. Life can be funny sometimes.
Those He saves are His delight
Christ will hold me fast
Precious in His holy sight
He will hold me fast
He’ll not let my soul be lost
His promises shall last
Bought by Him at such a cost
He will hold me fast
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