Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Thoughts from Nancy Guthrie

Been listening to many podcasts/talks in my early morning feedings with L.

One was by Nancy Guthrie on suffering.

She, along with others who endured significant pains, commented on their disbelief when the Lord gave them another difficult trial. The panelists remarked their wrong theology that we should receive only "one hard thing".

Guthrie and the panelists also spoke about not allowing one's suffering to define him/her. It is easy to orient your identity around it, to use it as your reference point, to desire to bring it up in every conversation, to expect others to ever pity/have compassion on you because of the trial... but you should not. It is one part of your life -- not its totality -- and this is how you work to move forward. The suffering should change you, but to someone who is more godly and refined. Not into someone who is bitter, angry, self-focused, and depressed.

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Dear Elias

Dear Elias,

Your younger brother, L, was born safely 2 weeks ago.

Room 12 in Labor & Delivery holds numerous, vivid memories of you: your strong heartbeat inside of me when you lived, your slowing heartbeat as you died, a difficult + traumatic delivery, where Baba and my family met and loved you, and where we handed you over to the nurse and said goodbye.

It is also the last room on the floor before exiting to Mother-Baby.

As we waited for the double doors to open oh so sluggishly for us, we parked in front of Room 12. It was just as it was October 11th, 2017. The door stood agape, and my heart stood agape, teetering on the precipice of time and space: recollections of searing sorrow + pain leaving that floor without you vs. joy + gratitude unspeakable of a beautiful, healthy, new babe in my arms. Something I could only dream of until that moment.

The same searing sorrow + pain revisited at discharge, when the memories reared with vehemence of before, and now. I could barely explain my weeping to the bewildered high school volunteer, (carefully) wheeling me to our car.

..........

Your life enhances ours with L.

Occasionally, I study L's face and wonder if you would have looked like him and your older brothers. We miss you. Opposite where I mostly feed L are your tiny handprints/footprints, as well as a few mementos of your brevity. The placement was not intentional but my gaze often falls on your wall. These moments I now have with L, I could not have with you. I never complain, just marvel, about waking up for L, diaper changes, spit up, burping; I am madly in love, so thankful for His kind grace to our family.

..........

Thank you, Elias.