Please Do Not Ask

While we knew Elias would forever alter our lives, the exact details of what that meant still take my breath away.

It is so painful grieving new and different parts of the loss as we live life.

..........

Taped onto the outside of our mother-baby recovery room door at the hospital, was a tattered but laminated photograph of a black rose. Something similar to this one... but deader with its petals falling off.

It served to warn anyone entering of our "fetal demise", and to act appropriately.

..........

Sometimes I wish I could permanently pin that photograph to myself when going out into the world, into social settings unfamiliar with an uncommon experience like ours.

          "Please do not ask."

..........

There can be no blame assigned, as everyone is (mostly) well-meaning and I know they just do not know. Or, they do know but are doing their best with the information and experiences they have.

Yet, I still get upset, sad, and leave feeling more isolated.

..........

It is difficult being around moms and pregnancy all the time. Even though I am one.

I have recently found myself in more situations where the conversation is not just touch-and-go with a stranger... like with friends of friends at a shared activity for our children.

          The completely normal and appropriate query of how many children I have, what are their ages, and am I trying
          for Baby #3 make me want to disappear, as I try to suppress the floodgates that threaten to overtake me.

Or like today, strapped to a dentist chair and the hygienist would not stop asking me about my children, how I need a daughter, how J seemed so well-behaved and that must be why I want to have a third because her niece is crazy and rambunctious that her parents could only handle one.

          PLEASE JUST STOP.

          But I could not get a word in, with her hands in my numbed mouth.

..........

This is 1 detail of many I did not anticipate post-Elias.

Psalm 23

Shane and Shane

YouTube

The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want
In green pastures He makes me lie down
He restores my soul and leads me on
For His Name, for His great Name

Surely goodness, surely mercy
Right beside me all my days
And I will dwell in Your house forever
And bless Your Holy Name

You prepare a table right before me
In the presence of my enemies
Though the arrow flies and the terror of night is at my door
I'll trust You, Lord

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
You are on my side

The Pervasive Loneliness

The loneliness of grieving a complicated pregnancy is vast and atrocious.

     It is difficult to effectively convey this portion of the heartbreak.

.................

I write at the risk of offending wonderful community who has gone above and beyond to support us.

     It isn't you; it's me.

     And it's how God { graciously } designed human relationships to not suffice, that we may dig our heels still deeper in
     our intimacy with Him.

.................

Lately, the boulder of grief takes the form of loneliness.

     Its weight constricts and crushes the breath in my chest.

-- I am lonely in my marriage and friendships.

     It is an odd (and new) feeling to feel lonely with my one flesh.

     Whether it be my husband or friends, I do not blame them one bit for an experience that was uniquely mine. Of 
     course they would not know or anticipate or understand.

     I surely did not understand myself when I was the "friend".

.................

May the truth of His Word pierce my heart, I pray.

Only Christ knew loneliness that I would not. Upon Jesus was the iniquity of the world laid, and did the Father turn His face away.

I have never been and am not alone (Psalm 139:1-12):

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    You discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from Your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, You are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there Your hand shall lead me,
    and Your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to You;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with You.

God, please help me to count everything, even human relationships, as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord (Philippians 3:8).