Please Do Not Ask

While we knew Elias would forever alter our lives, the exact details of what that meant still take my breath away.

It is so painful grieving new and different parts of the loss as we live life.

..........

Taped onto the outside of our mother-baby recovery room door at the hospital, was a tattered but laminated photograph of a black rose. Something similar to this one... but deader with its petals falling off.

It served to warn anyone entering of our "fetal demise", and to act appropriately.

..........

Sometimes I wish I could permanently pin that photograph to myself when going out into the world, into social settings unfamiliar with an uncommon experience like ours.

          "Please do not ask."

..........

There can be no blame assigned, as everyone is (mostly) well-meaning and I know they just do not know. Or, they do know but are doing their best with the information and experiences they have.

Yet, I still get upset, sad, and leave feeling more isolated.

..........

It is difficult being around moms and pregnancy all the time. Even though I am one.

I have recently found myself in more situations where the conversation is not just touch-and-go with a stranger... like with friends of friends at a shared activity for our children.

          The completely normal and appropriate query of how many children I have, what are their ages, and am I trying
          for Baby #3 make me want to disappear, as I try to suppress the floodgates that threaten to overtake me.

Or like today, strapped to a dentist chair and the hygienist would not stop asking me about my children, how I need a daughter, how J seemed so well-behaved and that must be why I want to have a third because her niece is crazy and rambunctious that her parents could only handle one.

          PLEASE JUST STOP.

          But I could not get a word in, with her hands in my numbed mouth.

..........

This is 1 detail of many I did not anticipate post-Elias.