Tuesday, August 21, 2018

The First Year

The first year of grief is as remorseless as everyone says it is.

There were so many firsts without Elias -- loss upon loss after the initial loss: his due date was abysmal, the first Mother's Day deplorable, and I imagine his first birthday will likewise be arduous.

Grief continues to show up uninvited, unabashed. There seems to be endless facets of mourning his absence as life marches on, swiftly and deliberately. I can barely keep up. My friend described the passage of time as "chafing and torturous", but that over time, God taught her to bear her grief as "one part of [her] life and to process [the grief] when it came, and to still keep on living." That inspired in me great hope, and has proved true by the grace of God. My extended/abnormal postpartum recovery + difficulty in getting pregnant again magnified and in some ways, exaggerated, Elias' painful loss.

I would be remiss to not simultaneously highlight the Lord in this past year --

His seeing us through, rebuilding us again. We would have been destroyed if we were not known by Christ. His steadfast love is great to the heavens, His faithfulness to the clouds.

The truth of His Word endures without condition. His works and purposes can never be thwarted. Jesus' life, death, and resurrection leave us untouchable.

God's patient kindness despite my unbelief and hardness of heart many an occasion.

God's tender mercy to allow us to know, love, and trust Him more through this.

To hope in God alone.