Today was our big ultrasound day at 19.5 weeks. We were both excited to see the baby and find out the gender. So far everything seemed okay, Janette even got an extra ultrasound a couple of weeks ago and saw our baby and the heartbeat. Janette's morning sickness has been less in the first trimester, but a lot more in the second trimester compared to previous pregnancies. She's considerably larger than any other pregnancy and much more uncomfortable. Her feet became extremely swollen this week and she still has barely felt the baby kick.
The ultrasound technician explained that the first part is for the doctor. The second part, she would show us the baby. I sat behind the technician, watching her monitor intently as she took snapshots of our baby. The technician purposely moved the monitor away from Janette, she could not see anything at all.
As we went through the exam, I did not recognize normal features of a baby. I knew the baby was breech, which may have made the images different than what I was used to. She spent a lot of time on the heart taking pictures over and over again and from different angles. I know hearts are important, but this seemed odd. She took pictures of the rest of the baby, the two kidneys, measuring the head, briefly glancing at the arms and legs, and then she went back to the heart again. I get a little worried and make faces at Janette. I was going to say something to Janette but decided there was no need to worry her. What did I know about baby reading ultrasounds anyways?
The technician left, saying she will talk to the radiologist and then come back. I think this happened with the previous two kids so we weren't worried. We wait and wait in the room, thinking maybe the radiologist is just busy or this technician is new as she mentioned earlier.
After a long time, she returned and said, "We could not get the right images due to the position and we have to schedule another appointment with a special machine. The doctor will call you later today."
Janette was not worried and said this could be normal. She was also disappointed we could not find out the gender and that we did not receive any photos to bring home.
I think something is not right and am worried about the heart, but again what do I know? I am scared there is something wrong, but like all things, what does worrying or thinking the worst do?
I returned to work and caught up on e-mails.
A couple of hours later, Janette calls me. From her voice, it sounds like bad news. I rush to find an empty office. She slowly tells me there is something wrong with the heart, kidneys, and that there is lots of fluid. We both pause.
I am extra sad I cannot be there with Janette as she hears this news at Chik-Fil-A with the kids.
Instantly, I am heartbroken. I know what this means or at least I think I do. The baby is going to die; when or how we do not know.
I break down crying over the phone. Janette can hear me and does too. I weep in the office, thinking "Our baby is dying, our baby is going to die, he's going to die..."
Back at my desk, I try to compose myself. Is this really happening?
I don’t know what to think. I can't believe this is happening to us. But I know it can. Life for anyone is not guaranteed. Life is uncertain.
I am frozen, rehashing "Our baby is dying, our baby is going to die, our baby is going to die..." and weep silently at my desk.
I don’t know what God has in store, but I pray that we may love God more, love one another more, love our children more, and love others more. I pray that we make the most out of this, that we don't waste this "trial", our baby's death, this sadness. I know all things work for good. I know this will be sad and hard and will change us forever. I think we're both prepared for the worst, that the baby can die anytime. We want to treasure God's gift of life and love our precious baby until the end. We didn’t even have to discuss it, we both knew we would carry this baby for as long as possible even though we know he will die. We're thankful we have a glimpse of what this may look like, our good friends have gone through something similar 5 years ago. We were encouraged by their faith and considered it a blessing and privilege to have walked with them during their loss, though I know every person and circumstance will be different. I don’t want to think of our dying baby as just a trial to overcome, something for us get over or try to forget, he's a person we love, that Janette is intimately caring for, that is alive, that God loves, and is ours.
Unfortunately, I don't feel very hopeful. I know God can heal anyone and the doctors haven't said anything definitive. We just know one line “There’s something wrong with the heart and kidneys and there’s a lot of fluid".
We will know more on Tuesday when we go in for a more detailed scan with a specialist. It is only Thursday.
This is all for good, but we know there will be harder days and the two boys will never really understand why we are so heartbroken. Our time with them tonight was a little more precious, we squeezed them and held them a little longer tonight.
We will be okay. We are getting more than we deserve.
"Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord
blessed be Your name"
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