One Week Out

Darling Odelia,

I remember every part of today, 1 week ago, so vividly still. I remember the contractions coming closer and closer together. I remember feeling excited about getting closer to meeting my daughter. I remember feeling sorrowful that this would also be the day that you die.

We miss you.

Your brothers repeat your name, "Baby Odelia, we miss you. We love you." They play with your bear and fight to sleep with it. We are all so happy that you are with Jesus instead.

Today, I returned to a little normalcy and celebrated it. I picked Z up for the first time, cried while telling my only friend (at Z school) why my pregnant belly is gone but smiled while explaining to her why God is still good, chatted with Z teachers/preschool director about you, drove by myself to the hospital to deliver thank you gifts to the exceptional nurses who took care of us, and even went grocery shopping afterwards!

The visit to the hospital was more emotional than I anticipated. I did not think I would find any of my nurses, and if I did, did not expect them to remember me. But in the Lord's sovereignty, I found all of them and they each recognized me by name. And I cried again at their kind hearts. And that they remembered you, my baby.

I came at shift change to increase my likelihood of finding the nurses. It was a flood of faces and activity at the nurse's station, and I blinked back tears as I gazed down the long Labor & Delivery hallway, at Room 12. I timidly asked for my nurses by name, and they appeared with huge smiles on their faces. We will not forget them.

Then, I did the same at the Mother-Baby Unit. My nurse for 2 days also cried with me and screamed my name when she saw me. She was so appreciative.

The double doors slammed closed behind me. I sat by myself in the waiting area, this time devoid of people. I would not be back to this place, as I had no business here anymore. I clutched my travel pack of Kleenex and wept for the memories still fresh, raw, and intimate. I was still sobbing in the elevator and as I exited the Women's Hospital with other people. No one looked at me or acknowledged me, and I felt even more alone.

But I know the truth could not be further than that.

But now thus says the Lord,
He who created you, O Jacob,
    He who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are Mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
    Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
Because you are precious in my eyes,
    and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
    peoples in exchange for your life. 
- Isaiah 43:1-4

Happy 1 Week Birthday in heaven, my love.