Last week consisted of determined decision after decision with changing parameters, basic survival for me to stay alive, and a determination to honor Odelia's life.
The shock has now worn, and I can feel again. I am slammed by the reality of what happened last week, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And it is far worse than I had imagined. I had originally thought last week would be most difficult but was not prepared for this.
A dear friend expressed it best:
I found that the emotions were the strongest and the battles hardest, after. It's a different kind of pain, because it's not urgent, and there is nothing looming on the horizon anymore. There is nothing to face and fight and no concrete challenge to pray against, just a day to day existence that feels bleak and empty and I suppose what I imagine depression to feel like. I don't know if that's how it is for you right now, but when I think back on those first days, I am overwhelmed by the color gray.
I also feel through with ZJ's constant whining, crying, tantruming, ungratefulness, and unhappiness. Every request we make is met by more whining, crying, tantruming, ungratefulness, and unhappines. I feel that I no longer have the physical stamina nor fortitude to continually discipline and train. I just cannot.
But God is faithful and will lead us through, moment by moment.
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