Gain

My hair has been falling out, and it is everywhere -- on my clothes, my cooking, the kids, and on the floor -- which means it is ~3 months postpartum.

In general, life has resumed to normalcy, like how things were before Elias. I rarely, if ever, feel sorrowful. Thank God for His kind grace. The pain from previous triggers of grief cuts only superficially.

I read somewhere that processing new triggers of grief is helpful for healing, as one grieves new parts of his/her loss...

As I clean up the hair each time, there is a twinge of sadness as I remember my baby I miss and love. But he is with Christ, and his earthly death is gain (Phil. 1:21).

I also remind myself each time that what I perceive as loss is not worth comparing to what I have gained through and in Christ Jesus, my Lord and Savior.

Paul proclaims in Ephesians 1:3-14: "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him. In love He predestined us for adoption to Himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will, to the praise of His glorious grace, with which He has blessed us in the Beloved. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of His will, according to His purpose, which He set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in Him, things in heaven and things on earth.

In Him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of His glory. In Him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in Him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of His glory."

How utterly shattering and humbling. My eternity is purchased, my sins forgiven, my spiritual eyes opened, an inheritance gained through the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus.

What lovely truth God graciously reminds me multiple times each day. In Christ, we have gained all things. In Christ, we are untouchable.

Everything Is Mine In You
Christy Nockels

Everything is mine in You
Even when my heart is breaking
Everything is mine in You
Even when my hands are empty
Everything is mine in You
Oh, in You

Everything is mine in You
I can trust You with my longing
Everything is mine in You
Even when the road is lonely
Everything is mine in You
Oh, in You, Lord

'Cause You are, Master over all
And You say, You are my inheritance
And in You, I have everything I need
And You are, seated in the heavenlies
And You say, forever You're my hiding place
And in You, I have everything I need

Everything is mine in You
And I know my future's bright
Everything is mine in You
Past or present, death and life
Everything is mine in You
Oh, in You, Lord

Against all hope
Help me hope
Against all fear
Draw me near
I will draw near
I am drawing near to You, Lord

Closing Out 2017

Thank you, friends, who have faithfully prayed for us and inquired how we are doing this first holiday season without Elias.

We cannot see who reads this anymore... but let us first say that God is and has been so faithful and gracious in dealing with us. He is healing our hearts and we are moving forward with gusto. The waves of sadness are less acute and frequent. Life feels "normal" again.

And so, though we miss Elias terribly and wish he were still with us this Christmas, we are comforted and strengthened by the reminder of our Messiah Jesus Christ gifted to us. As Chris Tomlin sings, "Jesus, the love song of God". Hallelujah!

Derrick and I are not the same people as we were a few months back.

          Looking forward to trusting the same marvelous God of 2017 as He will be in 2018.

Let It Be Jesus
Christy Nockels

Let it be Jesus
The first name that I call
Let it be Jesus
My song inside the storm
I'll never need another

For me, to live is Christ
For me, to live is Christ
God, I breathe Your Name above everything
Let it be
Let it be Jesus

Let it be Jesus
From the rising of the sun
Let it be Jesus
When all is said and done
I'll never need another
Jesus, there's no other

Should I ever be abandoned
Should I ever be acclaimed
Should I ever be surrounded by the fire and the flame
There's a Name I will remember
There's a Name I will proclaim
Let it be
Let it be my Jesus

Book Recommendations

I have read several Christian books on grief and infant loss; all were mediocre, average.

Perhaps it is because I do not relate to miscarriage or stillbirth the way those books are typically written.

Last night, I read Holding Onto Hope by Nancy Guthrie from cover to cover in one sitting. It was biblical (study on Job, through which I had just finished reading), concise, well-written, practical, relatable (not just for infant loss, too), encouraging, and helpful. Came with a study guide in the back. Would definitely recommend to others.

Prior to Elias, I had read I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. It was instrumental in allowing me to glimpse a solid Christian family's experience with and through infant loss. At that time, I was desperate to understand even a tiny bit of what our friends were going through with their complicated pregnancy. The book delivered; I wept every few pages for our friends. I re-read it as we journeyed with Elias, this time with more profound identification. Derrick found the chapter written by Angie's husband (how men and fathers grieve) helpful, as did I.

Church Sharing

Before we left for our trip, Derrick and I shared about Elias with our church. It was the first time we talked about him publicly. We were extremely grateful for our pastors extending the opportunity.

I think it went ok. The nerves disappeared after we stood up front, praise God. And if it was anyone we were sharing with, this was the most gracious and loving crowd to do so.

Our friend led worship beforehand, and had thoughtfully asked us for song selections. I bawled through his beautiful piano-playing, and the church singing with one voice He Will Hold Me Fast, Come Thou Fount, and The King of Love My Shepherd Is.

We cried throughout the sharing, but soldiered through. I expected to cry yet was relieved that I could recover and still talk.

At the sharing's conclusion, our pastor asked for a few people to pray aloud for us. I again wept as most of those few had also lost loved ones.

May God grant our one prayer that the sharing be encouraging.

If anything, it was encouraging to ourselves in providing major closure to move forward.

Our First Trip

We took our first trip without Elias this past week.

It was so refreshing to get away and escape for a little, to have family time, and enjoy hotel life.

For 4.5 days, I did not feel sad or think even 1 time about Elias. :0

What Grief Is Like

In my limited experience, (my) grief is difficult & unpredictable.

No one can tell me how I will feel and when because I do not know

          when

my grief will be triggered.

No one can tell me what will spark memories or what could have been, and let me tell you, they are everywhere, sometimes in the most inconspicuous places.

In my first outing after Elias, one of the teachers in this play class introduced herself. Her name was my top choice for a girl name. What were the chances? It suddenly took my breath away, and I nearly lost my composure.

Nancy Guthrie is a prolific Christian writer, speaker, and teacher. She has also lost 2 infant children. I found her description to be on point in those first weeks.

          She described her grief like a boulder on her chest. It took her breath away with its weight, constantly squeezing tears out that were ever close to the surface.

Flashbacks: 1 Week After Elias' Birth/Death

I remember the first few times I ventured out to the Real World.

          I and everything felt dreamlike, surreal.

          I wanted to tell everyone, esp. strangers, that I had just had a baby 20 weeks too early and that he died.

          I remember staring at the girl explaining the escape room rules, unable to focus on what she was actually saying. I so desired to stop her and tell her about Elias.

I scrutinized myself in the mirror, in recent photos, if I looked like someone who had just lost her baby.

          Did I look more aged? Sad? Stressed?

          What would grief and my new life look like?

His Reports

My OB told me we should receive Baby's pathology (placenta and karyotype) reports 2-3 weeks after the fact.

5 weeks later, we still had not received any information on the reports.

I followed up with my OB, who told me the reports had been sent to the high-risk OB. Ugh. He then summarized the reports: The placenta and karyotype came back as normal. Baby had all 46 chromosomes, ie Baby did not have a chromosomal abnormality as the doctors had suspected.

"We don't know what happened. I am so sorry."
          The hand of God kept running through my mind with a lump in my throat.

Somehow I asked for a copy of the reports (not normally sent to patients).

My OB assured me he would mail them first thing the next morning.

------------------

In the meantime, Derrick and I discussed the surprising results.

I had felt prepared for results that were a chromosomal abnormality or inconclusive... but normal? Our baby was anything but normal. Derrick had to remind me that even people with 23 healthy pairs of chromosomes get very sick and die. I even had a few moments of panic, wondering if we should have terminated.

In the end, we concluded that this was again God's grace: this would not significantly affect future children, and God was marvelously displaying His might and sovereignty. The doctors (and we) would never know what happened during Baby's development, but God did. I quite liked this "ending". We trusted and submitted ourselves to Him, even when we did not understand.

------------------

The reports got lost for another week.

I reached into our mailbox every day to instead find more (hefty) hospital bills for labor/delivery, labs, and extra scans/procedures due to Baby's condition. Such insult to injury...

I followed up again, and was advised to physically pick up the reports. There was just 1 remaining receptionist, obviously unhappy that she was staying over her shift. I thanked her and grasping the envelope to my heart, I explained that our baby had died at 20 weeks and the reports would explain what happened to her. The receptionist's countenance immediately shifted and softened. "I am sorry... for your loss." I nodded and gave a small smile, then shuffled away with the reports burning in my hands.

I ducked into a quiet waiting area, and attentively read through every word of the detailed reports. I could not restrain the (flooding) tears as I read about our baby described as a specimen arriving to the laboratory in saline, minimized to measurements of body parts, that part of Baby's head had split open by the time of examination, and then I read that Baby had XY chromosomes.
          We had a boy and not a girl.

My head was spinning, and I texted Derrick immediately. He could not believe it, either. He was rational and by the end of the night, said it did not change things much for him.

But for me, it did tremendously. And it was intensely painful and sad.

------------------

It felt like we had grieved the wrong baby. It was also an acute reminder that I was grieving this person I never knew, and now was even more a stranger. It felt like 2 additional losses: loss of a daughter we had so desired but now needed to stop grieving midway, and loss of a son I wished I could grieve when he was with us.

I withdrew a bit. I remember texting my sister: "I just feel like I keep losing and losing."

I removed every remembrance of Odelia in our home. She was really, dead. Good thing I was only halfway through her (his?) birth photobook?

The children were confused even more by this news, as they had not fully grasped the initial news.

And I felt more left behind Derrick in grief. At least when we thought Baby was a girl, we could feel and process together. This was no longer the case. I even grew angry with Derrick when he referred to his feelings as "we".
          "You mean 'I'. You can't use 'we' anymore, because we we are not the same anymore," I snapped.

I felt majorly set back in my process with grief, as I had labored through a considerable portion of it. I did not know where to start again, or if I should.

I had never felt so alone.

------------------

Yet God was showing us again His might and sovereignty. We were not in control of Baby's outcome even if chromosomes looked perfect, nor were we in control of Baby's gender, nor were we in control of our grieving, even.

So once more, this time with more profound conviction and humility, we entrusted our family and lives unto our loving God.

Hear my cry, O God,
    listen to my prayer;
from the end of the earth I call to You
    when my heart is faint.
Lead me to the rock
    that is higher than I,
for You have been my refuge,
    a strong tower against the enemy.

- Psalm 61:1-3

His Name

Please welcome to your hearts our sweet son, Elias Abel.

         Elias is Hebrew for Jehovah is God.

         Abel is Hebrew for breath, vapor, mourning.

We love and miss him.

I Will Glory In My Redeemer by Sovereign Grace

I will glory in my Redeemer
Who waits for me at gates of gold
And when He calls me, it will be paradise
His face forever to behold
His face forever to behold

Split Screen of Sadness

Up until Odelia's death, Derrick and I were emotionally congruous: feeling the same emotions together, processing the same feelings together, etc.

There was something unifying and comforting about it...

           until I realized a father's experience of infant loss is understandably disparate but brief.

Honestly, I am amazed that a father can even feel sorrowful over a child he never knew or felt. That is love.

          I had intimately cared for and nurtured our baby's life for 5 months. Every day for those 5
          months, I observed my body painfully stretching and growing to make room for her. I made
          diet and lifestyle changes to benefit her developing organs and systems. My heart extended
          capacity to love her. The last 2 months were notably unpleasant due to her condition and size
          but I endured because I knew it would be worthwhile.

.......

When his tears ceased,

          mine still freely flowed.

That was difficult in an unfamiliar way:

          I felt alone for the first time, and I felt left behind in Grief.

Please don't ever think for one moment that Derrick has not been kind, patient, and supportive because he has been and more.

.......

A father and mother's experience of the same infant loss can be so discrepant, another new thing I am learning.

Unpredictable should be the synonym to loss and grief.

Remembrance

I have never been a sentimental person with birthdays or anniversaries.

          Somehow, they have been significant with Odelia.

I think it has something to do with remembering our experience and her, both static and invisible to the present that continuously speeds forward.

1 week out was hard, and today's 1 month out was hard.

          Thank you to those friends who remembered, and reminded me you are standing with me.

There are (mostly) days where I feel like I have finished mourning, can bear the grief as one part of my life, and keep on. And then there are days like today, where I am brought back to the all-consuming grief and sadness, and cannot. keep. on.

Blessed be the Lord!
    For He has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy.
The Lord is my Strength and my Shield;
    in Him my heart trusts, and I am helped;
my heart exults,
    and with my song I give thanks to Him.
The Lord is the strength of His people;
    He is the saving refuge of His anointed.

- Psalm 28:6-8

...........

One of my favorite hymns, The King of Love My Shepherd Is:

The King of love my Shepherd is,
Whose goodness faileth never:
I nothing lack if I am His
And He is mine forever.

Where streams of living water flow
My ransomed soul He leadeth,
And where the verdant pastures grow,
With food celestial feedeth.

In death’s dark vale I fear no ill
With Thee, dear Lord, beside me;
Thy rod and staff my comfort still,
Thy cross before to guide me.

Thou spread’st a table in my sight;
Thy unction grace bestoweth;
And, oh, what transport of delight
From Thy pure chalice floweth!

And so through all the length of days
Thy goodness faileth never;
Good Shepherd, may I sing Thy praise
Within Thy house forever.

1 Month

Dear Heavenly Father,

Hallowed by Your Name. You are exalted and reign on high, above sin, uncertainty, confusion, and turmoil. We praise You. And we still entrust our family to You.

Today is an especially pained day as we remember Odelia's passing 1 month ago. Our hearts ache for her so much. We confess that we do not understand or wish for this, so please help fix our eyes on You, and our thoughts on Christ.

We thank You for holding our girl in Your arms even now, and are caring for her with such perfect love. We are grateful for the promise to be reunited again one day. Thank You for Your gracious sustenance. Though we fall, we shall not be cast headlong for the Lord upholds our hand. We shall again praise Him, our salvation and our God.

In His precious Name we pray,
Amen

Where Is Our Baby?

So many firsts in this new life without Odelia.

By the way, it is pronounced "oh-DELL-ee-uh".

This morning was my first time back at Costco. Nothing remarkable about that, except for the variety of people available to shop on a weekmorning!

When we passed by the infant girl clothing tables, both ZJ stated that those were clothes for Mui Mui. How do they know? I reminded them that Mui Mui was not healthy and died, and that we will not see her again until Heaven. All while a mother next to us readjusted her baby in the pram. Sigh. So many reminders.

Later, we caught sight of a father playing with his infant son. Holding hands, ZJ earnestly inquired, the first time with sadness:

          "Mommy, where is our baby??
          "Where is our baby Odelia? Where did she go?"
          "Is she still in your tummy?"
          "Why can't we play with her, like that Baba?"
          "When can God give us another baby?"
          "Where is our baby?"

I felt sad that they were still confused, had lost a sister they so loved, and were beginning to understand that our situation was not normative.

We are coming up on 1 month this Saturday. I wonder when the boys will stop talking about Mui Mui, drawing her in our family, making things for Baby Odelia, praying for her, and gifting flowers for me and her.

Blood Pressure

Doctor says my BP looks great, and I no longer need to monitor it.

Praise the Lord (:

Her Prints

I realize we have not yet shared Odelia's prints on here.

For scale, her footprint is less than 1 inch long.

Clay print, 10/11/2017.

Ink print, 10/11/2017.

My Blood Pressure!

lol I never thought I would post about this...

Today was the first read (108/78) in normal range, and most comparable to my pre-pregnancy blood pressure! My doctor also took me off meds this week!

HOORAY! Praise the Lord.

Birth Photobook

Decided last night to create a birth photobook for Odelia.

Don't know why it did not occur to me sooner. Wish I had thought of it when I had more time to work on it.

I made one for each boy, but especially wanted to create one for baby girl because it will contain all the memories we will ever have of her.

I rarely peruse the boys', but am certain I will frequently (at least, for now) look through Odelia's.

I miss her terribly.

The Lord's Care

There have been innumerable testimonies of the Lord's care this past week.

We were able to spend 1:1 time with each kid before Derrick returned to work. It reset the kids!! They are back: happy, telling me they love me, obeying much more immediately. I was elated.

I am rarely alone as people drop in here and there, working from home at our home, bringing their children to play with our children, etc.

Sweet cards in our mailbox, thoughtful gifts left at our door, book recommendations, one of our nurses writing me back.

He is sufficient and benevolent to show me His care so tangibly.

On a spiritual plane, I praise God that our hope is not in our children, or the age gap between our children. I praise God that He took care of my greatest need and illness: my sin, and yet reigns on high. I praise God that suffering is coupled with glory in Scripture -- His omniscience comforts and quells.

Jesus, thank You.

Lost

Since Saturday, I have become... a little lost.

After my sister's birthday dinner, we all stood up to leave. It was as if time stood still. I could see all the people around me but could not hear anything... and then I jumped when my sister gently put her hand on my arm and spoke in my ear, "It's time to go". I mumbled, "Right," and the world again moved and had sound and I told my legs to walk.

On Monday, I completely missed the turn to pick up Z. Just kept driving straight for nearly 10 minutes. I panicked when I realized that my mind was drifting, and I was behind the wheel.

I feel not ready to return to the Real World but know I eventually must.

A Baby's Secret

A friend sent this to a bereaved mother, who sent this to another bereaved mother, who sent this to another bereaved mother, who sent this to my dear friend, who sent this to me:

A Baby's Secret 
By J. C. Broomfield

I'm just a little baby
Who didn't quite make it there
I went straight to be with Jesus
But I'm waiting for you here.

Don't you fret about me, Mommy,
I'm alright -- and am most blest;
I'd have loved to stay here with you
But the Shepherd knows what's best.

Many dwelling here where I live
Waited years to enter in;
Struggled through a world of sorrow
And their lives were marred with sin.

So sweet Mommy, don't you sorrow,
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom
I went straight to Jesus' bosom
From my lovely mother's womb.

Thank you for the life you gave me
It was brief, but don't complain;
I have all of Heaven's glory
Suffered non of earthlings' pain.

I'll be waiting for you, Mommy --
You and Daddy, and the rest.
I'll be with you then forever
Then will give you all a kiss.

The Dust Has Settled

After the chaos of last week, the dust is slowly settling and I can see more clearly.

Last week consisted of determined decision after decision with changing parameters, basic survival for me to stay alive, and a determination to honor Odelia's life.

The shock has now worn, and I can feel again. I am slammed by the reality of what happened last week, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And it is far worse than I had imagined. I had originally thought last week would be most difficult but was not prepared for this.

A dear friend expressed it best:

I found that the emotions were the strongest and the battles hardest, after. It's a different kind of pain, because it's not urgent, and there is nothing looming on the horizon anymore. There is nothing to face and fight and no concrete challenge to pray against, just a day to day existence that feels bleak and empty and I suppose what I imagine depression to feel like. I don't know if that's how it is for you right now, but when I think back on those first days, I am overwhelmed by the color gray. 

I also feel through with ZJ's constant whining, crying, tantruming, ungratefulness, and unhappiness. Every request we make is met by more whining, crying, tantruming, ungratefulness, and unhappines. I feel that I no longer have the physical stamina nor fortitude to continually discipline and train. I just cannot.

But God is faithful and will lead us through, moment by moment.

Updates

1. Last night, we had friends over for the first time. It was, in fact, 2 families, and we had to extend our dining table and bring every last chair we had in our house. These were good friends who have faithfully walked with us and offered so much of themselves to serve us. They knew where we were, served themselves, cleaned up our house themselves, and our children delighted in one another. They even brought gifts for ZJ to occupy themselves. And more food and snacks. Our childrens' happy screams and chatter lit up our home, and we could laugh like normal people. Yet we could also slow down and talk our sadness with them if we wanted. Our new life, without Odelia. Thank You, God, for the refreshment of last night.

2. Once my milk dries, the dark purple/angry blobs of bruises up and down my arms heal (from failed IV starts leading to collapsed veins, the every 4-hr lab sticks to monitor me), the bleeding stops... there will be no evidence that Odelia ever was. I think that will be hard for me.

3. We pick up Odelia's ashes this afternoon. Actually, Derrick will. I have grown in my admiration for Derrick and his leadership of our family through grief and loss. He has shielded me from having to deal with mortuaries, taking on phone calls, follow up, etc. so I would not have to.

Evidences of God's Mercy

- 5 blissful months of life with Odelia before knowing of her condition

- Odelia living for as long as she did

- Anticipation of her prognosis because of dear friends who allowed us to walk with them 5 years ago

- Opportunity to think through God's value of life, and to apply it practically

- Helpful OB friends who also love the Lord

- Family and friends' hearts who broke with ours

- Our church family who shouldered our burdens and carried them to the Lord

- OB friend's insistence that she give us a scan whenever we wanted, while we could still see Odelia alive

- Our wise pastors' counsel with little notice

- Just enough time to process, pray, and confidently decide to induce

- God making our decisions straightforward

- Mostly compassionate and competent medical staff. Sweetest nurses.

- Smooth albeit very painful labor and delivery

- We were able to hold Odelia and see her precious face

- Smooth physical recovery

- My life was spared, when it was

- We were able to get some clay and ink prints of Odelia's hands and feet

- Her story tells an even greater story of Love, and her Creator and Savior

One Week Out

Darling Odelia,

I remember every part of today, 1 week ago, so vividly still. I remember the contractions coming closer and closer together. I remember feeling excited about getting closer to meeting my daughter. I remember feeling sorrowful that this would also be the day that you die.

We miss you.

Your brothers repeat your name, "Baby Odelia, we miss you. We love you." They play with your bear and fight to sleep with it. We are all so happy that you are with Jesus instead.

Today, I returned to a little normalcy and celebrated it. I picked Z up for the first time, cried while telling my only friend (at Z school) why my pregnant belly is gone but smiled while explaining to her why God is still good, chatted with Z teachers/preschool director about you, drove by myself to the hospital to deliver thank you gifts to the exceptional nurses who took care of us, and even went grocery shopping afterwards!

The visit to the hospital was more emotional than I anticipated. I did not think I would find any of my nurses, and if I did, did not expect them to remember me. But in the Lord's sovereignty, I found all of them and they each recognized me by name. And I cried again at their kind hearts. And that they remembered you, my baby.

I came at shift change to increase my likelihood of finding the nurses. It was a flood of faces and activity at the nurse's station, and I blinked back tears as I gazed down the long Labor & Delivery hallway, at Room 12. I timidly asked for my nurses by name, and they appeared with huge smiles on their faces. We will not forget them.

Then, I did the same at the Mother-Baby Unit. My nurse for 2 days also cried with me and screamed my name when she saw me. She was so appreciative.

The double doors slammed closed behind me. I sat by myself in the waiting area, this time devoid of people. I would not be back to this place, as I had no business here anymore. I clutched my travel pack of Kleenex and wept for the memories still fresh, raw, and intimate. I was still sobbing in the elevator and as I exited the Women's Hospital with other people. No one looked at me or acknowledged me, and I felt even more alone.

But I know the truth could not be further than that.

But now thus says the Lord,
He who created you, O Jacob,
    He who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are Mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I give Egypt as your ransom,
    Cush and Seba in exchange for you.
Because you are precious in my eyes,
    and honored, and I love you,
I give men in return for you,
    peoples in exchange for your life. 
- Isaiah 43:1-4

Happy 1 Week Birthday in heaven, my love.