Split Screen of Sadness

Up until Odelia's death, Derrick and I were emotionally congruous: feeling the same emotions together, processing the same feelings together, etc.

There was something unifying and comforting about it...

           until I realized a father's experience of infant loss is understandably disparate but brief.

Honestly, I am amazed that a father can even feel sorrowful over a child he never knew or felt. That is love.

          I had intimately cared for and nurtured our baby's life for 5 months. Every day for those 5
          months, I observed my body painfully stretching and growing to make room for her. I made
          diet and lifestyle changes to benefit her developing organs and systems. My heart extended
          capacity to love her. The last 2 months were notably unpleasant due to her condition and size
          but I endured because I knew it would be worthwhile.

.......

When his tears ceased,

          mine still freely flowed.

That was difficult in an unfamiliar way:

          I felt alone for the first time, and I felt left behind in Grief.

Please don't ever think for one moment that Derrick has not been kind, patient, and supportive because he has been and more.

.......

A father and mother's experience of the same infant loss can be so discrepant, another new thing I am learning.

Unpredictable should be the synonym to loss and grief.