Last Belly Shot

See you tomorrow, Baby Girl. You are 20 weeks today. I will miss "us", together.

Happy Birthday tomorrow. I am so sorry it will also be the day you die.

Day 6: What is Happening? - by Derrick

This whole day we were in a haze.

The first hour was spent with the technician getting more pictures of the baby, then the doctor came in doing the same. She said very little in the beginning and stared intently at her monitor and pictures of her heart. Maybe there is hope? Maybe she is trying to figure out how to save our baby?

She presses the 3D ultrasound button. This is our first real glimpse of the baby and immediately we gasp. Our baby does not look well. Her hands and feet look normal but the rest of her looks swollen like a balloon. Poor Baby. We weep as we see her, and the doctor finally speaks and says, "I'm so sorry".

She finishes her scan and writes on a paper everything wrong, and says that her swollen body is "100%  lethal". Her broken heart, missing kidneys and everything else do not matter. Then she looks at Janette and says, "I think your life is in danger too and that you are starting to show signs of a rare syndrome where the mother's body mirrors what the baby has." She explained that Janette's body was swelling, and her blood pressure was elevated, and her liver would have issues. The doctor says we have to decide soon how we want to terminate the pregnancy.

Janette and I stare at each other in disbelief. Is this real? We have to decide if we want to medically extract the baby out, or induce her early and have her come out like a "normal" delivery. We are both taken a back at the extraction procedure, but everything is a blur now. 

What is happening? We were preparing for this appointment the past couple of days, and had planned to carry her to term. Now what? What is God doing? 

We talk it over with Janette's Labor and Delivery nurse mom who gives us sound advice. We pray a lot, we sit confused. It feels like we are deciding to kill our baby. How could we do that to her? Why can't we allow God to take her when He decides so? 

Five days ago, we found out our baby is going to die. Today, we have to decide how to end her life tomorrow.

We wrestle with what to do next. It is clear we want to induce the baby, see her, and hold her one last time. But why now? We know that if there was no risk to Janette's health, we would carry her to term. And if Janette was going to die in the next hour, we would take the baby out right away. But what about in between? Janette is not going to die in the next hour, and the doctors were not clear on the exact timeline. Is there value in prolonging the baby's life a few more days or weeks at an unquantifiable risk to Janette's health? Is it unjust to speed up our baby's impending death? I don’t know.

We seek the advice of our pastors. We are thankful for them and pray for them on the way there. We try to explain our situation and what we are thinking. Somehow Janette is more composed than I am; how is she so strong? They affirm that what we are deciding is not unethical. We are comforted by their reminder that there is nothing we can do to outmaneuver God's sovereignty.

We return to Janette's parents' home and see our kids again. The doctor calls with the lab results and they do not look good. It confirms the doctor's diagnosis of Janette, and we need to decide what to do tonight. We discuss what we should do next. We cry and we pray.

We have decided to end the life of our daughter. It sounds so wrong in so many ways. Never would I have imagined in my lifetime to have to make such a decision.

Tomorrow we will see our baby, tomorrow our baby will die.  

The Maternal-Fetal Medicine Appointment, Part III

We returned to my parents', where we received a phone call from the high-risk OB.

"Your labs returned. They are not good. Your liver is beginning to fail and you have pre-eclampsia, as I suspected. We are very concerned, and you need to deliver in the next 1-2 days. Please take some time to make a decision you are comfortable with, and let us know. But we need to deliver the baby for your health condition."

Derrick and I again reconvened to pray and talk about the quickened timeline.

We were beginning to feel overwhelmed but we thanked God for making the decision more straightforward.

We easily decided on the induction first thing the next morning to dignify Baby's life, and for an opportunity to hold and say goodbye to our beloved.

We shared the decision with our parents who whole-heartedly supported us, and we shared with the children. Our children were happy to spend the night with PoPo and GongGong, and we left. I knew I would miss them terribly for the remainder of the week away from them.

We went to bed late, packing our hospital bag, taking care of last-minute things like a birth photographer. Sweet friends assisted with medical consults, researching/purchasing clay and ink stamp kits for Baby's handprints/footprints, etc. to be delivered to us the next evening in the hospital. We were so humbled by how quickly friends and church family sprang to action to care for us.

Another fitful night of sleep and prayer.

The Maternal-Fetal Medicine Appointment, Part II

We had lunch, where we discussed what would need to be discussed, and then had a a quiet pensive ride home to pick up the children. More tears as I kicked up my gigantic and painful swollen feet on the back seat.

My mom urged us to talk alone, so we prayed and talked alone.

Was there value in prolonging Baby's life? Who is to say whose life to preserve: mine or Baby's? How do we leave time for God's healing? How could we decide when the likelihood of my health worsening was unquantifiable? Shouldn't we allow God to take Baby away in His timing?

Our pastors kindly agreed to meet with us for counsel. Derrick suggested we meet in person, so we drove over to church. I prayed for our pastors -- if I were them, I would definitely not know what to say, especially with such little preparation or notice. I came away from our meeting even more appreciative and esteeming of our dear pastors.

We explained the updates, and they agreed that this was a gray area: whether to deliver now or later. But that it did not make sense to gamble 2 lives when it was pretty sure that 1 was fatal. They each shared that they would save their wife, deliver now, and that their conscience would be clear to do that. Further, Christians have a different confidence in God's healing (not promised in Scripture) vs. a confidence in our salvation (promised in Scripture). They then prayed for us, and I felt a lightness to our decision-making.

The Maternal-Fetal Medicine Appointment, Part I

After another fitful night of sleep, we dropped off the children at my parents' home and headed for our higher-level scan. My parents prayed for our appointment before we left.

The examination room was equipped with a large TV monitor across from the examination table. I wouldn't be staring at the ceiling this time.

Something felt different in my body from the previous night; I wondered if perhaps God allowed Baby to pass. Our baby filled the screen. I quickly noted the heart beating strong, as it always had. Baby was still with us. My heart sank a little, knowing that future decisions would not be as straightforward.

A technician took some preliminary scans, and we immediately saw the large mass surrounding Baby. It was still there; nothing had changed. The technician gave us a guess at Baby's gender: girl. Derrick and I exchanged a tender look. It was the girl we had hoped and longed for.

Next, the high-risk OB came in and completed her own ultrasound images/videos. She spent so long with us that the nurse came in 3x for other patients. I tried to study the doctor's face: it looked concerned and focused. The doctor spent much of the time examining the heart over and over again, tracking the flow and output, listening to the heartbeat in different areas and registers, the anatomy... it gave me hope that maybe she was thinking about how to reconstruct Baby's heart after birth.

The doctor then zoomed out to see Baby's entire body and clicked the 3D button. She spun the 3D image around slowly. I gasped, crying silently with my body trembling as I saw the fluid-filled mass that enveloped Baby's head, face, and abdomen. Only Baby's hands and feet looked normal. "I'm sorry," the doctor whispered and continued with the examination.

What happened to you, Baby? My poor Baby. Why do you look like this? What is God's plan for you?

My salty tears cascaded down my face, wetting the bed sheets around my head. I prayed for Baby, and for our friends' baby as they were getting their anatomy scan at the same time.

The doctor completed her assessment, and turned away from the ultrasound machine.

I sat up on the table in my cold, jelly-soaked maternity leggings.

"Your baby's condition is 100% lethal. There is no chance it will survive outside of the womb. I am surprised you didn't miscarry already. A fetus with this many abnormalities does not live this long. The edema is so severe that the other anomalies are inconsequential -- the congenital heart defect, problematic kidneys/bladder, clubbed foot -- they do not matter."

I looked up at the monitor behind the doctor, now dark. It read "XXXXX, JANETTE" with Baby's gestational age. Was this really happening? Was I in reality? The doctor was confirming what we predicted would happen... and then some.

"You can probably carry the fetus to term because it does not need much in utero. Your body can sustain the fetus. IF you carry the fetus to term, you will get very sick. Your liver will fail and you can stroke at any time."

The doctor glanced down at my feet. "Yep, it is as I suspected. Look how edemic [swollen] your feet are. This is not normal for 20 weeks. The sick placental hormones are crossing over to you. This is indicative of a rare syndrome named 'mirroring syndrome', where the mother's body begins to mimic the baby's. Your blood pressure is high. We are highly concerned about you, pre-eclampsia, and HELLP syndrome."

Never once did I think that my health could be in danger.

"I know this is a lot of information. You do not need to decide immediately but soon on delivery options. The first delivery option is a Dilation and Evacuation (D&E). Not all doctors have this training. In the OR, you are dilated and then the fetus is scraped and vacuumed out. It is quick and you can go home the same day. Additionally, some doctors offer to inject potassium chloride into the heart guided by an ultrasound before the procedure. This stops the heart before continuing with the procedure."

"The second delivery option is an induction on the Labor & Delivery floor, much like a normal induction. It will take longer since the body is not ready to deliver at 20 weeks. You can vaginally deliver, and will be able to hold the baby afterwards."

"We don't know why things like this happen. Chromosomal abnormalities are not genetic. They just happen, and it should not happen again. The chromosomal abnormality is extremely severe with this one. I'm so sorry."

We were then led to the genetic counselor, who was not helpful. The genetic counselor told us she would be coordinating the delivery details.

Day 5: Are We Ready? - by Derrick

I'm back to work on Monday, with my pinky splinted. I will type some interesting emails today with remarkable typos.

We know our decision to carry the baby as long as possible will not be popular one with everyone.  We think we are prepared to explain ourselves to others, though the hardest will be those who are closest with us who may adamantly and vocally disagree.

We are trying to mentally prepare for tomorrow's doctor visit. They already scheduled us with a genetic counselor, which is probably not a good thing. I have no clue what genetic counselors do, I envision they help you deal with bad news after the doctor's visit and go through your options including termination.

We imagine the doctor giving us a clearer diagnosis and using some phrase like "your fetus will not survive outside the womb". The doctor will tell us how long she thinks we can carry her for, hopefully it is close to term which is the end of February.  The doctor would discuss and encourage termination options, we would say no, and then ask her what the next 4-5 months would look like. The genetic counselor might then hand us some pamphlets and information on chromosomal abnormalities and support groups.

When this becomes "official", I am not sure how we will handle it. Will it change any of our thoughts and feelings? Will it make us sulk further into sadness, or just reaffirm what we have been preparing for these past few days? We trust that God has prepared us and will sustain us for whatever may come.

Who knows, maybe this past week we have been like the people who pessimistically diagnosis themselves on the Internet and drive doctors crazy.

Maybe we will be told our baby will be born alive.

"Whom have I in heaven but you?

    And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

    but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
- Psalm 73:25-26

Day 4: He Will Hold Me Fast - by Derrick

Today is Sunday. Most of the families at church have a glimpse of what is going on. We are thankful for our church body and soon will let more people know about our baby. We have no desire to be the center of attention or to have our baby be the focus of all our conversations until she is born, but today she is all that is on our mind.

Singing at church today had all the songs we have been thinking about the past few days and more: Blessed be Your Name, It is Well, He Will Hold Me Fast. These songs reflect the sadness in our hearts, but our desire to cling and hope in God. There is something special about singing together today holding Janette's hand. We will be okay. Today we are singing these songs through a new lens, maybe our best worship is when we sing in hard times.

Maybe it is God's gift we have children to distract us, or maybe it makes us not deal with the situation in full. The engineer or project manager in me is tempted to think of our situation as a set of decisions to make rather than deal with the reality of what is going on, to prioritize the intellect and the tangible over the emotions. 

We are thankful for the care, wisdom, and experiences of our friends that God has given us. The genuine words of those who have experienced loss are especially comforting, their encouragement has an extra ounce of hope.

One brother genuinely asked, "How are you doing?" When I responded with a "we" (Janette and I), he interrupted, "No. How are you doing? Don't hide behind her, though she is important. How are you doing?" I'm naturally not a very open person, but I never thought I would be tempted to mask my feelings behind Janette's. This helps me think about my own jumbled emotions and feelings a little more. Again thankful for genuine love and care.

I told a handful of people today at church. I started to break down every time. I could not get the words out clearly through the tears. The words come out as a broken whisper: "Our baby is going to die." I know it is okay to cry and be sad, it is nothing to be ashamed of, but it is not easy to share. Maybe over the next few months it will get easier, should it get easier? It is almost as if I don’t say it, it isn't real. But it is real. 

Though we are aware it is not easy for everyone to hear of such news when we share, there is no great response we are expecting. We appreciate everyone's simple words and genuine sympathy. Some ask how they can help and support us but I do not know what we need. 

On a side note: After church lunch, I caught 2 children falling off a chair and broke a tendon in my pinky finger. It wasn't even a hard fall, I am getting old. I texted a doctor friend who immediately diagnosed it correctly and went to Urgent Care for x-rays to double check. Thankfully, it was taken care of right away and does not really hurt. It is more of an inconvenience. I will have to wear a splint for the next 6-8 weeks. With everything going on, I showed Janette my bent pinky finger and just laughed. Life can be funny sometimes.

Those He saves are His delight

Christ will hold me fast

Precious in His holy sight

He will hold me fast

He’ll not let my soul be lost

His promises shall last

Bought by Him at such a cost

He will hold me fast

2 Corinthians 4:7-12, 16-18 - by Janette

Our dear OB friend prayed this for me today.

Photo: The only normal-looking shot of Baby Girl. Her sweet hands and feet were the only things not encased in the mass. They moved with vigor and life. "Hi, World."

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death is at work in us, but life in you.

[. . .]

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

- 2 Corinthians 4:7-12, 16-18

Day 3: Step by Step - by Derrick

This morning, we went to a fall-themed farm event with friends.

On the way home, we received the official report of our anatomy scan. It was as we thought (though not officially mentioned in the report): our baby is going to die. There is something wrong with the heart, something wrong with the kidneys/intestines, something wrong with a foot, and there is there is a large mass surrounding most of the baby.  We are blessed to have 2 OB friends to help us prepare for what may come and interpret the obtuse medical jargon.

Months ago, one of our OB friends kindly offered to give us an ultrasound to take extra pictures and double check the gender (our oldest son was thought to be a girl). We had at first planned it to be a fun time. Instead, it turned into a precious time to see our baby alive.

Janette did not get a chance to see anything from the anatomy scan. They purposefully did not give us any pictures and turned the monitor away from her. It was if they did not want us to know about our baby.

Our OB friend gave us a scan this afternoon. She explained what we were seeing, printed a long strip of photos for us to take home, and guessed that our baby is probably a girl! These are rare snapshots of our baby: black and white and grainy, but precious nonetheless. Our OB friend thoughtfully prepared us questions to ask, and what to expect for our Tuesday scan. She prayed for us.

We are thankful for the community of people around us, who loves and cares for us, who we trust, who we know understand us. We could not imagine going through this, whatever this is, and whatever this looks like alone, without God, without eternal hope, without the grace of the community around us. 

Janette has a special attachment as she is caring for the baby. However, it has been hard for me feel a connection with our children until they are born. Now with the 2 boys to take care of most of the time, this baby has taken even less room in my mind. I know our time is short with the baby with only 4-5 months left, so I'm going to write letters to her during our brief time together.

Hello Baby,

We don’t know have a name for you yet, but maybe baby is appropriate: small,  precious to us, and in need of us. Hi Baby, I can only see you filtered through a black and white gaze of a grainy ultrasound image on a 2D plane at these special visits. It's like you're in a prison and I'm restricted from seeing you and need a special machine to watch you suffering in your cell. We love you. We love you because you are ours, you can't do anything or tell us anything right now and never will, but we want the best for you. We want you to live and thrive and grow. I will never hear your heart beating when I hold you close, but only with this machine amplifying the rhythm of your heart. Thankfully, I hear a pulse of normalcy, of strength, thump, thump, thump, 160 beats per minute. You are alive and sound strong, though I know you are weak and the doctor says your heart is broken. Your mom and I rejoiced at your hands moving. You're alive, you're alive, we rejoice like we rejoiced when your brothers first talked, walked or rolled. Oh, the simple pleasures.  The ultrasound image of your hands looked normal and baby-like with cute fingers on each side. The doctor explained that your whole head and body are a like a swollen mass,  like a down jacket  surrounding and connected to you. I'm sorry, Baby, I don’t know what you can feel, I hope it’s nothing. This will all end soon, it will get better. We will love you to the end."

Love, Baba

There are a million questions racing through our heads.  Some questions are trivial, some are more important than others.

What does it mean to care for our child under these circumstances? To sacrifice for our child? How do we love our baby? How do we do carry our baby out of a love for our baby and not merely out of a sense of conviction and duty? We're not always sad every moment, is that wrong or bad of us? Is it because the kids are distracting us? How do we cultivate our marriage and relationships in this? How do we make sure our conversations with friends and life during this time don’t revolve around us and our sadness? How do we rejoice in others' babies and their new life? How do I lead my family through this? Is it wrong to try to avoid thinking about it sometimes? Is it wrong if at one point we don't cry anymore?  How do we glorify God in all circumstances, in this circumstance? How do we make the most out of this? What is this, what is it, what is our circumstance?

I believe God has the power to heal our baby and perform a miracle. Is something wrong with me that I don't think He will. Is it to lower my expectations to prepare for the worse? Is it because I know it is not owed to us? Is it because I lack faith or because I know He is under no obligation? Would it be arrogant to believe that He will heal?

How do I believe in the hope of the miraculous yet prepare for the present?

We know we need to take this one step at a time and decide to make real decisions when this all becomes official on Tuesday. 

One step at a time, one step at a time. I am not in control, the Lord is.
I am never in control, the Lord always is.

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well, with my soul

It is well

With my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

Unplugged - by Janette

I feel like a terrible human being writing this post, but I must be honest.

When the doctor relayed to me that there were problems with the anatomy scan, something instantaneously switched off in me. It was like this natural self-preserving defense helping me to cope. But I do not like it.

For the first time, my affection for Baby turned cold. I even felt angry toward Baby for putting me through half of a pregnancy and its current miseries -- for nothing. I still could not feel any movement from Baby, so our connection felt tenuous at best. Anger sprang up in me every time I looked down at my painful elephant swollen feet due to Baby's extra fluids, during my awful morning vomit, and held my sore, aching pelvic region. It was like the maternal side in me died with the news of our ultrasound.

As I look out toward the horizon of further testing, procedures, and heartache, I feel nothing but duty and responsibility as the vessel carrying Baby. I know termination is not an option for us, that we must fight to give Baby any living chance... that I must. I must endure for the sake of Baby with the cost steep.

With these wintry feelings toward Baby, I find myself not taking care of Baby or myself as much today. I bend over, do not watch my diet, carry heavy things... what kind of mother am I? Why did God choose me to sustain this child?

Derrick reminds me this is our precious baby, dearly loved and created in the image of God. God allowed us to be his/her parents, and we ought to care for Baby with everything we have. We stand for life.

And that our baby is not dead yet.

A dear friend who walked through something similar shared Matt Hammitt's song, "All of Me". I had not known it was about struggling with investing in and loving his son, Bowen, with a congenital heart defect. Thankful for her encouragement to choose to love.

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?

Our Savior and Lord Christ Jesus chose to love through His death and resurrection from the cross. For people who would never repay or thank Him. We are reading Tim Keller’s Meaning of Marriage in the women’s group, and there is an entire chapter on love as a choice for our husbands. Keller points out the parent-child relationship is a microcosm of that: that it feels like an easier choice vs. daily choice to love husband. But that in the daily decision to choose love (whether it is husband or child), your affections catch up. Specifically for your child, it takes decades for your child to understand the magnitude of the infant care, sacrifice, cooking, cleaning, nurturing, etc, and may never become “lovable”. But your child/spouse will always seem lovely to you because you have rolled up your sleeves and put in the work to love and love without return.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. - Romans 12:12

My song I keep coming back to for Baby.

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

The Things of God - by Janette

I thank God that our children are processing the news of Baby well.

The children have had many questions to my surprise.

This morning, as the children climbed into their seats for breakfast, they asked when Baby was seeing the doctor again.

          "Is the Baby well now?"

They asked who would be caring for them, and I felt a twinge of sadness that they would already feel neglected or anxious because of Baby's health.

At lunch, they asked again:

          "Is Baby still sick?"

          "When will Baby be well? I want to love Baby, though."

          "Will Baby die?"

          "Will Baby die in your tummy?"

          "Will Baby still come out of our tummy?"

          "What do dead people look like?"

          "When will I die?" Only God knows. 
          Z then shouted, "God, when will I die?"
          A few moments later, Z commented: "Mommy, God didn't say anything."

So grateful for these added Gospel opportunities to teach biblical truth to our children.

Day 2: God, Help - by Derrick

We decide it is best for me to go back to work today. We do not know what the future will look like, and I should save as many off days as possible.

Throughout the day, a million thoughts race through my head. I look up random diseases and issues our baby may have on the Internet. No one has said clearly that our baby will die, but no one has said that our baby will live, either. Not everything is fatal according to the Internet, maybe there is still hope. Work is a helpful distraction; I hope Janette is okay at home alone with the boys today.

I am thankful that Janette and I have the same convictions, attitudes, and thoughts on everything going on. I am thankful we have and will have each other; I could never imagine going through something like this alone.

We did not have to discuss or say very much to each other last night. We both assumed that on Tuesday, the doctor would tell us that our baby would not be born alive. The doctor would probably encourage us to abort the "fetus", and we would have to prepare to be insistent on keeping our baby to term.

Everything we have been planning and preparing for the baby is no longer important. The cleaning of our house, rearranging of furniture, training the boys to sleep in the same room together, gathering back newborn items from friends, our last family vacation as a family of 4, our babymoon. We have a whole list that can wait. Few things seem important to us anymore, we try to spend extra energy with the boys tonight but we both just want to sit in silence and crawl into bed.

Janette's Labor and Delivery nurse mom also comes to the same conclusion as us: our baby is going to die, though she doesn’t want to say it either. Janette tells some of our friends. I don’t think most people understand what is going to happen until we clearly say our baby is going to die.

I hope we are wrong.

God, help my baby.

God, help me to lead my family. I don’t know what to do.

Psalm 139 

"O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

    you discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down

    and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,

    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before,

    and lay your hand upon me.

…..

For you formed my inward parts;

    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

    my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,

    when I was being made in secret,

    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

    in your book were written, every one of them,

    the days that were formed for me,

    when as yet there was none of them"

The Anatomy Scan - by Janette

Everything about this pregnancy has been different, even opposite, of the others. But I chalked it up to it maybe being a girl (still do not know gender), or that I had 2 others to run after and care for. Of course, I had that nagging suspicion that something might be wrong but I do tend to be the pessimist.

I couldn't sleep last night after 4am. Was it the half cup of coffee I had that morning at breakfast? Or anxiety sinfully jostling me awake, though I did not feel worried and kept prayerfully submitting the outcome of the anatomy scan to the Lord?

Derrick's parents arrived early in the morning to watch the boys, and we were off.

My heart pounded in the waiting room, and we were promptly called in.

The technician told us it was her second day (what), couldn't get the computer to work, and we were transferred to another room. I thanked God for the technician's gentle hands, remembering how deep and hard the technician for the other 2 pushed that I feared for their well-being.

The technician told us she would first take measurements for the doctor, and then show us pictures of the baby + gender. We never got to that latter part.

After a few minutes of scanning the heart, the technician pushed the screen away from me and I had the company of my own breath, hum of the sonogram machine, nausea from laying down so quickly after breakfast, and an expansive view of the ceiling for the next hour. I prayed for the technician, for Baby, and tried hard to read Derrick/the technician's faces. Derrick made faces at me, and I knew he had no idea what he was looking at either.

I thought the technician was pretty fast; she only repeatedly asked me if I had earlier scans, and if I had gotten genetic testing.

"No, it would not change anything for us."

She then left for a long time to speak with the doctor.

When she returned, she curtly reported that we would need to schedule a higher-level scan due to the positioning of the baby and showed us the door.

I felt like we had wasted the entire morning and came away with no information, no pictures, no gender... and would have to schedule childcare + Derrick would miss work again for another scan.

We took this photo to remember our visit, nevertheless:

As I picked up our Chick-Fil-A lunch mobile order from the counter, my phone rang. I dropped off the bags with Derrick's parents and ran outside.

The doctor on the other side asked if I had time to speak and if I could sit down. I could hardly breathe. She told me she was very sorry, but the ultrasound showed problems with the heart, kidneys, and fluid all over the body. We would need to schedule a higher-level ultrasound. She related the phone number, to which I hastily scribbled onto the back of a CFA napkin.

I wasn't surprised that we could receive a problematic report because I know God never owes us health. All I could think was: our baby is going to die. There would be no addition to our family in February, we should probably not take our November vacation, I should basically conclude all future plans that included Baby.

I called Derrick, and couldn't help but break down. I heard him unravel as well. I heard myself tell him to stay at work; his parents were with me, and he may need to take time off of work later. I wiped my tears with another CFA napkin.

I tried to pull myself together in the bathroom, and then got a bloody nose. What a mess.

I told the kids after their naps.

J responded: "Oh no. What happened to the Baby, Mommy?" And then wanted to sing "The More We Get Together". Z had more questions: "Why isn't Baby healthy, Mommy? What happened to Baby?" I explained sin and its entrance into the human body.

They both kissed my tummy and said they loved Baby. I told them Mommy and Baba may be very sad sometimes because Baby is very sick. Then, we played Legos.

At dinner, J wrapped his arms around me and told me he loved me. "I love you, Mommy. Mommy sad. Love Baby, kiss Baby." What sweet children!

Our next appointment is Tuesday 10/10 at 9:45am for 2 hours.

Told lots of people today, met only with warmth and kindness by all. So many offers to help, to babysit, to pray.

But we will be fine. We are very sad, and my eyes are red and puffy from crying... but we know we will be fine because we know Christ and He knows us. We trust Him with our lives, and with our children.

Soli Deo Gloria.

Day 1: We Are Getting More Than We Deserve - by Derrick

Today was our big ultrasound day at 19.5 weeks. We were both excited to see the baby and find out the gender. So far everything seemed okay, Janette even got an extra ultrasound a couple of weeks ago and saw our baby and the heartbeat. Janette's morning sickness has been less in the first trimester, but a lot more in the second trimester compared to previous pregnancies. She's considerably larger than any other pregnancy and much more uncomfortable. Her feet became extremely swollen this week and she still has barely felt the baby kick.

The ultrasound technician explained that the first part is for the doctor. The second part, she would show us the baby. I sat behind the technician, watching her monitor intently as she took snapshots of our baby. The technician purposely moved the monitor away from Janette, she could not see anything at all.

As we went through the exam, I did not recognize normal features of a baby. I knew the baby was breech, which may have made the images different than what I was used to. She spent a lot of time on the heart taking pictures over and over again and from different angles. I know hearts are important, but this seemed odd. She took pictures of the rest of the baby, the two kidneys, measuring the head, briefly glancing at the arms and legs, and then she went back to the heart again. I get a little worried and make faces at Janette. I was going to say something to Janette but decided there was no need to worry her. What did I know about baby reading ultrasounds anyways?

The technician left, saying she will talk to the radiologist and then come back. I think this happened with the previous two kids so we weren't worried. We wait and wait in the room, thinking maybe the radiologist is just busy or this technician is new as she mentioned earlier.
After a long time, she returned and said, "We could not get the right images due to the position and we have to schedule another appointment with a special machine. The doctor will call you later today."

Janette was not worried and said this could be normal. She was also disappointed we could not find out the gender and that we did not receive any photos to bring home.
I think something is not right and am worried about the heart, but again what do I know? I am scared there is something wrong, but like all things, what does worrying or thinking the worst do?
I returned to work and caught up on e-mails.

A couple of hours later, Janette calls me. From her voice, it sounds like bad news. I rush to find an empty office. She slowly tells me there is something wrong with the heart, kidneys, and that there is lots of fluid. We both pause.
I am extra sad I cannot be there with Janette as she hears this news at Chik-Fil-A with the kids.

Instantly, I am heartbroken. I know what this means or at least I think I do. The baby is going to die; when or how we do not know.
I break down crying over the phone. Janette can hear me and does too. I weep in the office, thinking "Our baby is dying, our baby is going to die, he's going to die..."

Back at my desk, I try to compose myself. Is this really happening?
I don’t know what to think. I can't believe this is happening to us. But I know it can. Life for anyone is not guaranteed. Life is uncertain.
I am frozen, rehashing "Our baby is dying, our baby is going to die, our baby is going to die..." and weep silently at my desk.

I don’t know what God has in store, but I pray that we may love God more, love one another more, love our children more, and love others more. I pray that we make the most out of this, that we don't waste this "trial", our baby's death, this sadness. I know all things work for good. I know this will be sad and hard and will change us forever. I think we're both prepared for the worst, that the baby can die anytime. We want to treasure God's gift of life and love our precious baby until the end. We didn’t even have to discuss it, we both knew we would carry this baby for as long as possible even though we know he will die. We're thankful we have a glimpse of what this may look like, our good friends have gone through something similar 5 years ago. We were encouraged by their faith and considered it a blessing and privilege to have walked with them during their loss, though I know every person and circumstance will be different. I don’t want to think of our dying baby as just a trial to overcome, something for us get over or try to forget, he's a person we love, that Janette is intimately caring for, that is alive, that God loves, and is ours.

Unfortunately, I don't feel very hopeful. I know God can heal anyone and the doctors haven't said anything definitive. We just know one line “There’s something wrong with the heart and kidneys and there’s a lot of fluid".
We will know more on Tuesday when we go in for a more detailed scan with a specialist. It is only Thursday.

This is all for good, but we know there will be harder days and the two boys will never really understand why we are so heartbroken. Our time with them tonight was a little more precious, we squeezed them and held them a little longer tonight.

We will be okay. We are getting more than we deserve.

"Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your glorious name 
You give and take away 
You give and take away 
My heart will choose to say Lord
blessed be Your name"

First Mid-Autumn Festival - by Janette

Dear Baby #3,

We celebrated your first Mid-Autumn Festival tonight at Gong Gong and PoPo's.

I look forward to singing you the moon lullaby song PoPo used to sing me when I was little.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0ucGq9v1SE&list=FLTrkFmWVxW_CdW88JGUXe1g&index=2

We cannot wait to see you at your anatomy scan tomorrow!

I have found the greatest baby shower gift! - by Derrick

Hi Baby,

This is my first post on our blog to you. It is a very important one.
Look what I bought Mom!  A grabber tool, like a claw!
I think this should be an essential gift for all pregnant ladies with young children. Though it seems to be marketed toward seniors who cannot reach down to pick up things, but I have found a new market for this tool. I bought mom this today, she didn't seem as excited as I was and rolled her eyes a little at me. She says I bought this more for myself so I don't have to pick up everything off the ground for her (this is partially true). I think we need to gift this to all future mothers. Look, I played pom poms with your brother today and sat on the couch the whole time!

- from your overly excited Father

First Hike - by Janette

Dear Baby #3,

You took your and your brothers' first hike at Sanborn County Park today.

You are getting big!

First Swim - by Janette

Dear Baby #3,

We took your first swim at Mama and YehYeh's today. hehe

Second Trimester - by Janette

After an easy, relatively symptom-free first trimester, second trimester greeted me with:

- heartburn, which sometimes leads to nighttime throw up
- sensitive gag reflex that coughing/brushing teeth/strong smells lead to vomiting
- morning sickness and painful dry heaving
- sick nausea feeling leading to loss of appetite (had a very healthy appetite so far)

I am 14 weeks this week, and barely feel Baby move. :0

Hope s/he is still alive, and just a very very very sleepy baby. (:

7 Years in the Making - by Janette

Dear Baby #3,

Baba and Mommy celebrated 7 happy years of marriage with ZJ and you in tow.

Praise God for His faithfulness!

Gilroy Gardens, Part II - by Janette

Dear Baby #3,

We visited Gilroy Gardens again, this time with Baba.

Gilroy Gardens - by Janette

Hi Baby #3,

For my birthday, we took you 3 kids to Gilroy Gardens with my family. :P Your brothers have not stopped asking to visit again.

You are starting to show!

Your First Concert - by Janette

Dear Baby #3,

YeeYee, you, and I went to listen to John Mayer tonight. I had not been to a concert in years! He was awesome.

Dear Baby #3 - by Janette

Dear Baby #3,

This afternoon, I could visibly see your kicks from my stomach (Week 13).

Your brothers are enamored with you already. They regularly ask if you have come out of my tummy. They cannot wait to hold you and snuggle you.

We are busy re-arranging the entire house. We unexpectedly received 2 cute + nearly brand-new toddler beds for free from NextDoor, so we will move the toddler beds into Z's room, and have both boys share Z's room! Their dream!

Today, we also learned that dear friends from church are also expecting within a few days of us. Their due dates are 2/22 and 2/24, and yours is 2/27. I am the largest of all, and will probably deliver first.

Keep growing, sweet Baby - may God continue to protect and nurture you!

Love,
Mommy

Third Wheel - by Janette

Hi Baby #3,

You were the third wheel to our date to Land's End today before a friend's wedding.