Five

Five was unexpectedly more emotional perhaps it is a big age, and five is no longer a baby. 

The sweetest friend who shares the same birthday dropped these off as a surprise.

My heart overflows in thanksgiving for God’s inscrutable ways. 

And each year, we are provided another opportunity to talk with our children about the Lord’s faithfulness to our family through Elias’ life.

J realized it was Elias’ birthday with tenderness. He asked if Elias was happy, if there were birthday parties in heaven, and we talked through those things. J was content to know Elias was happy because he was in the presence of Jesus.

F O U R .

We have been without Elias for 4 years, today.

I was surprised to receive texts from friends who lovingly remembered him, who remembered us. Thank you.

This was the first year we did not go away for his birthday since we had a new babe but fully intend to next year. 

The other children were so excited to celebrate Elias: asking what he looks like, what he is doing now, what Heaven is like.

4 years later, they still count him as part of our family, they still purchase a pumpkin for him every fall, and they still tell their teacher/class about him.

We tried to go to the ocean today but had to settle for a lake picnic.

After dinner, we lit a quiet candle in Elias' memory.

Feeling sadder as the day ends.

Miss you, my baby boy.

God remains good, and is Himself a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul.

Dear Elias

Dear Elias,

The Lord graciously added a baby sister unto our family 2 weeks ago.

Wish you could have met her. 

Your memory continues to serve us in the newborn haze, something we would have loved to have with you.

All glory be to Christ, our King, all glory be to Christ. 

Elias' Beach

 

In loving memory of Elias Abel, born 10/11/2017.

THREE.

My baby boy Elias, you would have turned 3 today.

How my heart aches for and misses you exceedingly mid-September through October of every year.

Three. 

          It is easy to think about the 

                    what ifs, 

                    what life would be like with you in it, 

                    what your peers are doing 

                              but I cannot let my mind stay static there.

          Our heavenly Father who cares for you now 

                    saw fit to bring you Home when He did.

                              His ways are always perfect!

Three years of intense firsthand witness to God's faithfulness, kindness, and goodness more than we could ever dream.

We did not think we would be able to get away this year with COVID, 

          but somehow Baba found a last-minute rental at our beach, our place, 

                    and where I like to think your ashes rest.

The king of love my Shepherd is,
Whose goodness faileth never;
I nothing lack if I am His
And He is mine forever.

And so through all the length of days
Thy goodness faileth never;
Good Shepherd, may I sing Thy praise
Within Thy house forever.

          - "The King of Love My Shepherd Is" by John Rutter

Being A Friend

Some ask how to be a friend to someone who has lost; I was reminded this past Friday of one way.

..................................

I rarely bring up Elias with people I met after him.

          I did with a teacher from Z's school.

She asked about my weekend, and I (briefly) told her the reason we were going away.

Before parting ways, she grabbed my arm and intently inquired with love in her eyes,

          "What was your baby's name?"

                    I felt like she was looking into my inner soul.

She told me what a beautiful name Elias is, and committed it to memory by repeating his name.

..................................

The bereaved love hearing others say their deceased one's name.

          It recognizes their life, value, and memory.
          It demonstrates that you do not fear talking about their loved one.

Last Year, This Year, Next Year

We returned to the same spot for Elias’ birthday trip this year. 

The flood of memories unexpectedly startled me; I did not anticipate much recollection.

I remembered the same patterned sand, empty beach, brisk climate, and expansive view of the sunset. The water was just as I had remembered: gentle and foamy, yet relentless and robust. 

I remembered anxiety around my rainbow pregnancy, if Baby would be born healthy and what he would be like. This year, God has kindly answered all of those questions — he is L, lovely in every way and so vigorous. 

I remembered ZJ’s timidity of getting too close to the shore but this year, they ran uninhibited in and out of the smaller waves with gleeful gaiety. “Can we come back again next year? When Elias turns 3?”

This year, we celebrate more than we mourn. By God’s grace, He has wrought healing in our hearts, as well as added to the joy in our family through our newest little.

Our Rock and our Redeemer, Your ways are higher and more perfect than we could ever imagine. Eternally Faithful and Glorious One.

Good to Me

This was a special song on my Elias playlist... I remembered it this year around his birthday.

* I do not endorse the foxes in vineyard line, which speaks of intruders in a marriage from Song of Solomon 2:15.

Good to Me
Audrey Assad
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKosVfAEUPE

I put all my hope 
On the truth of Your promise
And I steady my heart 
On the ground of Your goodness

When I'm bowed down with sorrow
I will lift up Your Name
And the foxes in the vineyard
Will not steal my joy

Because You are good to me, good to me
You are good to me, good to me
You are good to me

And I lift my eyes 
To the hills where my help is found
Your voice fills the night 
Raise my head up and hear the sound

Though fires burn all around me 
I will praise You, my God
And the foxes in the vineyard 
Will not steal my joy

Because You are good to me, good to me

You are good to me, good to me

You are good to me

Your goodness and mercy shall follow me

In Loving Memory

We especially miss Elias today.

How has it been 2 years already?

          Sounds like a long time with L turning 7 months in a couple of days, while

          not

          as I can vividly recall numerous memories of that time.

2 years out, I could never dream where we are now.

          We are well: spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
          I remember texting a friend a few weeks after Elias' death that I did not think I could go on.

          ZJ still consider our family as a family of 6.
          ZJ draw pictures of Elias interacting with our family, and J tells me Elias died because his kidney was not 
          working.

          The Lord added to our joy L.
          There was some time that I could not bear the thought of having more children. A common comment I receive is 
          how all our boys have the same "look". My heart warms thinking about how Elias would have looked like. Elias' 
          life and death utterly altered me as a parent (blog post to come).

Many friends thoughtfully remembered Elias with us this year.

          It is never expected but so sweet, and undeserving.

Jehovah is yet God (Elias' name meaning), and His kindness and faithfulness endure. From the beginning of time to eternity, amen.

Thoughts from Nancy Guthrie

Been listening to many podcasts/talks in my early morning feedings with L.

One was by Nancy Guthrie on suffering.

She, along with others who endured significant pains, commented on their disbelief when the Lord gave them another difficult trial. The panelists remarked their wrong theology that we should receive only "one hard thing".

Guthrie and the panelists also spoke about not allowing one's suffering to define him/her. It is easy to orient your identity around it, to use it as your reference point, to desire to bring it up in every conversation, to expect others to ever pity/have compassion on you because of the trial... but you should not. It is one part of your life -- not its totality -- and this is how you work to move forward. The suffering should change you, but to someone who is more godly and refined. Not into someone who is bitter, angry, self-focused, and depressed.

Dear Elias

Dear Elias,

Your younger brother, L, was born safely 2 weeks ago.

Room 12 in Labor & Delivery holds numerous, vivid memories of you: your strong heartbeat inside of me when you lived, your slowing heartbeat as you died, a difficult + traumatic delivery, where Baba and my family met and loved you, and where we handed you over to the nurse and said goodbye.

It is also the last room on the floor before exiting to Mother-Baby.

As we waited for the double doors to open oh so sluggishly for us, we parked in front of Room 12. It was just as it was October 11th, 2017. The door stood agape, and my heart stood agape, teetering on the precipice of time and space: recollections of searing sorrow + pain leaving that floor without you vs. joy + gratitude unspeakable of a beautiful, healthy, new babe in my arms. Something I could only dream of until that moment.

The same searing sorrow + pain revisited at discharge, when the memories reared with vehemence of before, and now. I could barely explain my weeping to the bewildered high school volunteer, (carefully) wheeling me to our car.

..........

Your life enhances ours with L.

Occasionally, I study L's face and wonder if you would have looked like him and your older brothers. We miss you. Opposite where I mostly feed L are your tiny handprints/footprints, as well as a few mementos of your brevity. The placement was not intentional but my gaze often falls on your wall. These moments I now have with L, I could not have with you. I never complain, just marvel, about waking up for L, diaper changes, spit up, burping; I am madly in love, so thankful for His kind grace to our family.

..........

Thank you, Elias.

Social Settings

This weekend, I attended 2 large gatherings of acquaintances and new friends.

          I inevitably fielded innocent questions that I despise over and over again.

          "How many kids do you have now?"
          "What are your childrens' age gap?"
          "WOW, 3 BOYS?! Were you trying for a girl? Try again next time for a girl!"

It was exhausting and difficult.

I do not enjoy these questions because they indirectly bring up the silent pain of losing Elias. How most people do not interact with loss, and assume gender to be more important than health. How moving forward, people will not know about him. How looking back, people do not know how to acknowledge or respond to him.

          And that it makes it easier for everyone to not bring Elias up.

Though I have had practice with these questions, I still cannot answer fluently, without a pause, as I quietly remember my sweet boy and try to curb my anger/sadness.

My loss-mom friend told me people were one of the hardest things to navigate. She has been spot-on in all her counsel.

          She told me answering these questions does get easier once she made peace that people will not know.

Elias' Due Date

"for I am God, and there is no other;
    I am God, and there is none like Me,
declaring the end from the beginning
    and from ancient times things not yet done,
saying, ‘My counsel shall stand,
    and I will accomplish all My purpose." (Isaiah 46:9b, c-10)

A mother cannot forget.

          I remember the anticipated due dates of each of my living and dead children,

                    and today was Elias'.

But instead of the utter sorrow February 27th, 2018 brought, I reflect joyfully on the year the Lord has brought us through. And how on February 27th, 2019, we eagerly anticipate the arrival of a new babe.

Thank You, God.

PTSD Haunting

It has been a long while since I have had a nightmare related to Elias.

Last night's left me breathless, disoriented, and with a backache that still persists.

I dreamt that I had prematurely delivered some placenta-thing at the clinic, and that meant I was in labor at 30 weeks. The fear felt insurmountable. The OB took an ultrasound and gravely reported that Baby had 1 or 3 horseshoe kidneys (would not know until delivery), and that all the organs had joined together into a single mass. I kept asking the nurses if our baby would be born alive but no one would answer. Baby stopped moving, and a nurse suggested that maybe he had passed in the womb as they prepped me for C-section. "Why is this happening again?!" I screamed at Derrick. He locked himself into the bathroom for some time, crying. I wept loudly to a friend.

Calmed my racing heart and mind by praying and submitting Baby unto the Lord.

A Rainbow Pregnancy (My Experience)

A rainbow pregnancy is a pregnancy after loss.

The loss colors and overshadows nearly every aspect of the new pregnancy, though it does lend profound appreciation for normal fetal growth and development. Every appointment is emotional, and we thank God for boring, uneventful appointments.

When we learned of this pregnancy, I was unsure if I could continue with Elias' OB, stay at the same clinic, or deliver at the same hospital. When we knew the gender, I thought of names for a child that is sick and dies, a child that is sick but lives, and a child that is healthy. Insanity for anyone who has not experienced loss.

A rainbow pregnancy proposes many fears. Will my rainbow baby die, too? Will he die in utero under the same or different circumstances as Elias? Will he be born alive? Will he make his first cries of life -- the very sound we parents have desperately tried to avoid and escape all these years? I failed many times those first 20 weeks to trust in the Lord and not fear, worry, panic, and despair. I lost sleep, vomited from anxiety, and wept uncontrollably from the what ifs.

Yet the Lord mercifully sustained this child and my sinful fearing of the wrong things.

It was a difficult decision for me to try for another child. It felt like replacing Elias, a concept I had not understood previously. And I did not know if we could handle another sick or dead baby.

I am also especially more sensitive to comments surrounding having "another boy". It is irritating to me that health is assumed, and that gender is the primary priority. Further, I appreciate each person who acknowledges this pregnancy as my fourth, this baby as #4, and including Elias as part of our family.

A {healthy} rainbow pregnancy has proved redemptive in sad memories/experiences. When a trip to EC Hospital's Labor & Delivery would wreck me for a week, I can now walk through its halls without collapse. I even hold hope that I may return one day with a healthy babe. Visiting the OB/GYN clinic no longer chokeholds my being. My womb feels more than a tomb with Baby Boy's constant and vigorous kicks. I can look at infant boys and clothes without sorrow. All glory be to God.

Very grateful for the grace of this rainbow child.

Baby's 2nd Christmas

This was our second Christmas without Elias.

We extra miss him during the holidays, where the incompleteness of our family is more acutely felt.

Taking Out His Things Again

I have avoided purchasing or bringing out anything for Baby, declined kind gifts for Baby from friends, etc... for fear of having to put it away again.

So when Derrick asked when we will begin preparing our home for Baby (like moving older boys into one room, readying the nursery), I panicked at the thought of:

         opening our hearts to potential disappointment once more

         and

         unpacking Elias' things, things that were for Elias.

Instead of {a normal} excited anticipation in setting up our home/nursery, I felt painfully overwhelmed and incapacitated.

....

By God's grace, we approach the third trimester in a month. I know we cannot wait forever, and I should be faithful to steward what we know to be a healthy child in our care.

....

After a brief mention of the above, my friend swiftly offered her help and company to do this together. Not just light-hearted, or business-like company, but company that willingly entered into the onerous places of my grief and sorrow. Even 1 year later.

          She offered to face hard memories and cry with me as I brought out baby things.

          As well as to shop for baby items, pick up items for me if that is too difficult, anything, and that she didn't
          have to be the person to do these things with me.

         She offered things I did not know to request.

         I was utterly moved. I rarely cry about Elias anymore but I did, then.

....

Bereavement is lonely and confusing.

One of the greatest gifts you can give to your grieving friend is to not be frightened by her mourning & sorrow, and to not shush her into silence. Those kinds of friends are scarce.

....

Thank You and you.

November Gratefulness

Happy November! 

A month's reminder of thankfulness for God's grace, and its commencement is remarkable.

Today I am 20 weeks and 0 days pregnant, the same point in pregnancy when Elias was induced and died. 

Yet, this pregnancy continues healthily and Baby Brother kicks a storm when I never felt Elias kick due to his condition.

Thank You, Lord.

Elias' Birthday Trip

Praise be to God for an amazing trip.

So glad and grateful we could go away and spend time together amidst the beauty of His creation.

1 year.

To Celebrate and To Mourn

Miss you, my Elias baby.

Miss you so much and forever.

You were 20 weeks loved, and we loved you fervently until the end.

Your adoring brothers still talk about and draw you with affection.

You turn 1 in heaven today. 

We thank God for His kind & merciful wisdom to take you Home and imagine you playing at our Savior's feet, toddling on your feet.

1 year of experiencing God's faithfulness in new and deeper ways.

How firm our foundation, how sure our salvation, and we will not be shaken. Jesus, our firm foundation! (Bryan Brown, Jason Ingram, Tony Wood)

Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to the heavens,

    Your faithfulness to the clouds.

How precious is Your steadfast love, O God!

    The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of Your wings.

They feast on the abundance of Your house,

    and You give them drink from the river of Your delights.

For with You is the fountain of life;

    in Your light do we see light.

- Psalm 36:5, 7-9

Packing List

Elias' first birthday is about a month out, and we will be taking a trip away. I just know I want to be somewhere else than home and its surroundings for that time.

..........................................

The last thing I added to our packing list was

          "Elias' ashes"

and then sobbed.

..........................................

We will be scattering his ashes into the ocean, a beautiful reminder of his memory every time I see a body of water in the future.

The First Year

The first year of grief is as remorseless as everyone says it is.

There were so many firsts without Elias -- loss upon loss after the initial loss: his due date was abysmal, the first Mother's Day deplorable, and I imagine his first birthday will likewise be arduous.

Grief continues to show up uninvited, unabashed. There seems to be endless facets of mourning his absence as life marches on, swiftly and deliberately. I can barely keep up. My friend described the passage of time as "chafing and torturous", but that over time, God taught her to bear her grief as "one part of [her] life and to process [the grief] when it came, and to still keep on living." That inspired in me great hope, and has proved true by the grace of God. My extended/abnormal postpartum recovery + difficulty in getting pregnant again magnified and in some ways, exaggerated, Elias' painful loss.

I would be remiss to not simultaneously highlight the Lord in this past year --

His seeing us through, rebuilding us again. We would have been destroyed if we were not known by Christ. His steadfast love is great to the heavens, His faithfulness to the clouds.

The truth of His Word endures without condition. His works and purposes can never be thwarted. Jesus' life, death, and resurrection leave us untouchable.

God's patient kindness despite my unbelief and hardness of heart many an occasion.

God's tender mercy to allow us to know, love, and trust Him more through this.

To hope in God alone.

Melancolie by Albert Gyorgy

Auntie T sent this to me today to commemorate Bereaved Parents Month --

“Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works.
She is, but she is not... all at once.
She is here but a part of her is elsewhere for eternity.” - Unknown

"We may look as if we carry on with our lives as before. We may even have times of joy and happiness. Everything may seem normal. But THIS 'emptiness' is how we all feel... all the time." - John Maddox

It is a Genevan sculpture composed of copper and tin, created by a man who lost his wife.


https://www.facebook.com/totallybuffalo/photos/a.1856841141264724.1073741829.1800823653533140/2133597843589051/?type=3&theater

Standing Firm (Eph. 6:10-14)

Finally completed a post from many weeks ago --

........

Our pastor has been preaching through Ephesians, and it has been outstanding.

We are in the second half of chapter 6, where Paul describes our lives as a spiritual battleground, and to stand firm by taking up the full armor of God. We must resist the devil's lies, stand against the schemes of the devil with Scripture, our personal holiness, and faith & trust in our good God.

I realized that I have not been standing but collapsing, crawling. Rather than waging war against the devil, I have been listening and agreeing to his distorted truths. "Surely God is not good." "Why do bad things keep happening to you? God cares not for you." "Curse God and die."

No wonder I have been despairing, self-righteous, bitter, and angry toward all. Including toward God.

If you are also struggling to stand and endure, be exhorted by Eph. 6:16: In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one.

........

In his sermon on the shield of faith, our pastor explained faith as knowledge (of God; it is not "convincing ourselves of something where there is no evidence"), moving to assent (agreement or acknowledgment), moving to trust in God.

// Our pastor articulates things so well that I will quote much of him verbatim!

Our pastor pointed out that Paul says in all circumstances. In all circumstances, we are to take up the shield of faith. "We don't whip out the shield of faith only when the arrows are flying. The shield of faith represents a daily ongoing cultivation of growing knowledge, growing assent, growing trust, growing delight in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year. We need to grow in our faith because that is the very thing Satan seeks to destroy in us. At the very root of all sin is some form of unbelief. Some sort of distrust in God. So if he can somehow separate you from faith, he wins."

In Luke 22:31-32a, Jesus says to Simon Peter: Simon, Simon, behold, Satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail.

What Satan wants to do is "push and squash, and squeeze Peter, and you, Christian, through his sieve to squeeze you out, and separate you from faith and trust in God. Satan is hell-bent on getting us to sin and lose hope, to live in unbelief and distrust toward God." Our pastor urged us to pray that God would turn our unbelief into faith.

The devil aims to deceive us. "He makes you doubt God's goodness. He causes Adam and Eve to distrust God's Word. Satan knows our constitution; he knows where our weaknesses are. He is an astute pupil of the human nature. And he will launch his missiles in accord to what he thinks will get us most likely to stumble that we may grow despondent in character, and for us to feel burnt out, discouraged, dejected, despairing."

"Satan’s scheme is for you to stay where you are. He wants you to sit there in the dark, exhausted, feeling depleted, and he would like nothing better than for you to make peace with your melancholy. He wants you think 'nothing’s going to work, there’s no point in going on.'"

"It is at this moment that the shield of faith is employed."

"Now more than ever, we must trust in the promises of God and fight our depression rather than yield to it. We must be preaching truth to ourselves from God’s Word."

We can start in 2 Cor. 4:8 We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 

Then we bring the devil to Ps. 28:7 The Lord is my strength and my shield; in Him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults and with my song I give thanks to Him.

Then, to Ps. 30:5 For His anger is but for a moment, and His favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

And then, Ps. 42:3, 5, 6a My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, ‘Where is your God?’ Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God.

Aside from depression, Satan "uses trial and trying circumstances to make us doubt. He will tell us, 'God has not treated you very fairly, has He? Do you see how your disease threatens to undo all your dreams? Do you see how God has taken your precious child from you and your family? Do you see how God has made you? Do you see how your spouse has deserted you? You have been trying to follow the Lord. God is sovereign, isn’t He? He could have stopped any of this at any moment. He could have prevented this all from happening. Just give up. Hate Him.'"

The devil attempts to sift us again. "We must grip onto these Scriptures tightly, and lean our whole weight upon it."

Rom. 8:32 He who did not spare His own Son but gave him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?

Jas. 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

Matt. 7:9-11 Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!

Our pastor concluded with this: "It is so important for us to deepen the object of our faith, to know God better and better, so that when the devil comes at you, with all his slings and arrows of misfortune, when he shoots at you with arrows to burn up all your defenses, you can say with Job, 'Though He slay me, I will hope in Him. (Job 13:15)' God is good and loving, sovereign and just, and in your tears, you will be steadfast in the midst of loneliness and bereavement, because in faith, you have taken hold the promises of God."

The Acuity

Dear Elias,

I visited the OB/GYN last week, and it was awful.

I went alone; Baba was unable to come.

At the landing of the stairs, exiting from the OB/GYN area, I was met by a pregnant woman. I gulped and mentally steeled myself for the multitudes of pregnant women I would encounter during the appointment.

Every woman in the waiting area happily chattered away with her husband, one hand grasping a brown paper bag. Each was there for an OB visit; the brown bag held her urine sample to test for protein and glucose levels during pregnancy. There was a lightness and innocence of the visit for each couple, something I had once known and would not know again. They were glowing but I felt ancient and anemic inside.

An expectant father approached the front desk to make the next OB appointments, informing the girl of his wife's impending due date next week.

I tried to busy myself with my phone but could not think of which icon to press. I stared, dumbfounded frozen, at my home screen.

I looked up at the board showing which doctors were in, and caught sight of the name of the OB who ripped you out of me. The OB who said nothing to me after you were born; showed no look of compassion or condolence. The OB who performs D&Es on innocent lives.

The more I suppressed the growing lump in my throat, the faster the hot tears dribbled down.

Everyone stared at me without saying or doing anything. I remembered weeping heavily in the Labor & Delivery elevator after delivering thank you packages to our nurses, an elevator full of people yet no one said or did anything. I knew they did not know what to say or do because they had not experienced anything similar.

I felt like I was having a panic attack: I inadvertently found myself pacing outside the waiting area.  I was sweating while trying to focus on staying in my seat.

At last, I was called.

I was ugly-crying by the time we arrived to the exam room.

The nurse tried to hide her horror. "Did you just have a miscarriage?" she inquired.

Another flood of memories from my postpartum appointments for you, like the nurse asking if I was breastfeeding as soon as I walked into the room.

After squeaking out a brief explanation of what happened to you, the nurse (thankfully) tried hard to be comforting.

The nurse left, and I loudly sobbed into my thin drape.

Everywhere I looked was a fresh memory of you... funny how I could hardly remember anything about these appointments for your brothers.

And then I did not know where to look in that exam room.

Should I look at the adjacent wall full of holiday cards with newborn babes and joyful families? Or should I inspect the posters on the opposite wall of normal female reproductive health, the reason for which I was there because I was lacking it? No, or should I stare at the ultrasound machine screen we last saw you moving and alive? Or should I look at the large, framed photograph I gazed at when the OB told me that everything had come out, that there was no more remaining tissue inside?

Somehow, I made it through the remainder of the appointment. My doctor was kind and understanding.

I still never want to go back.