A rainbow pregnancy is a pregnancy after loss.
The loss colors and overshadows nearly every aspect of the new pregnancy, though it does lend profound appreciation for normal fetal growth and development. Every appointment is emotional, and we thank God for boring, uneventful appointments.
When we learned of this pregnancy, I was unsure if I could continue with Elias' OB, stay at the same clinic, or deliver at the same hospital. When we knew the gender, I thought of names for a child that is sick and dies, a child that is sick but lives, and a child that is healthy. Insanity for anyone who has not experienced loss.
A rainbow pregnancy proposes many fears. Will my rainbow baby die, too? Will he die in utero under the same or different circumstances as Elias? Will he be born alive? Will he make his first cries of life -- the very sound we parents have desperately tried to avoid and escape all these years? I failed many times those first 20 weeks to trust in the Lord and not fear, worry, panic, and despair. I lost sleep, vomited from anxiety, and wept uncontrollably from the what ifs.
Yet the Lord mercifully sustained this child and my sinful fearing of the wrong things.
It was a difficult decision for me to try for another child. It felt like replacing Elias, a concept I had not understood previously. And I did not know if we could handle another sick or dead baby.
I am also especially more sensitive to comments surrounding having "another boy". It is irritating to me that health is assumed, and that gender is the primary priority. Further, I appreciate each person who acknowledges this pregnancy as my fourth, this baby as #4, and including Elias as part of our family.
A {healthy} rainbow pregnancy has proved redemptive in sad memories/experiences. When a trip to EC Hospital's Labor & Delivery would wreck me for a week, I can now walk through its halls without collapse. I even hold hope that I may return one day with a healthy babe. Visiting the OB/GYN clinic no longer chokeholds my being. My womb feels more than a tomb with Baby Boy's constant and vigorous kicks. I can look at infant boys and clothes without sorrow. All glory be to God.
Very grateful for the grace of this rainbow child.
❤️
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