Day 1: We Are Getting More Than We Deserve - by Derrick

Today was our big ultrasound day at 19.5 weeks. We were both excited to see the baby and find out the gender. So far everything seemed okay, Janette even got an extra ultrasound a couple of weeks ago and saw our baby and the heartbeat. Janette's morning sickness has been less in the first trimester, but a lot more in the second trimester compared to previous pregnancies. She's considerably larger than any other pregnancy and much more uncomfortable. Her feet became extremely swollen this week and she still has barely felt the baby kick.

The ultrasound technician explained that the first part is for the doctor. The second part, she would show us the baby. I sat behind the technician, watching her monitor intently as she took snapshots of our baby. The technician purposely moved the monitor away from Janette, she could not see anything at all.

As we went through the exam, I did not recognize normal features of a baby. I knew the baby was breech, which may have made the images different than what I was used to. She spent a lot of time on the heart taking pictures over and over again and from different angles. I know hearts are important, but this seemed odd. She took pictures of the rest of the baby, the two kidneys, measuring the head, briefly glancing at the arms and legs, and then she went back to the heart again. I get a little worried and make faces at Janette. I was going to say something to Janette but decided there was no need to worry her. What did I know about baby reading ultrasounds anyways?

The technician left, saying she will talk to the radiologist and then come back. I think this happened with the previous two kids so we weren't worried. We wait and wait in the room, thinking maybe the radiologist is just busy or this technician is new as she mentioned earlier.
After a long time, she returned and said, "We could not get the right images due to the position and we have to schedule another appointment with a special machine. The doctor will call you later today."

Janette was not worried and said this could be normal. She was also disappointed we could not find out the gender and that we did not receive any photos to bring home.
I think something is not right and am worried about the heart, but again what do I know? I am scared there is something wrong, but like all things, what does worrying or thinking the worst do?
I returned to work and caught up on e-mails.

A couple of hours later, Janette calls me. From her voice, it sounds like bad news. I rush to find an empty office. She slowly tells me there is something wrong with the heart, kidneys, and that there is lots of fluid. We both pause.
I am extra sad I cannot be there with Janette as she hears this news at Chik-Fil-A with the kids.

Instantly, I am heartbroken. I know what this means or at least I think I do. The baby is going to die; when or how we do not know.
I break down crying over the phone. Janette can hear me and does too. I weep in the office, thinking "Our baby is dying, our baby is going to die, he's going to die..."

Back at my desk, I try to compose myself. Is this really happening?
I don’t know what to think. I can't believe this is happening to us. But I know it can. Life for anyone is not guaranteed. Life is uncertain.
I am frozen, rehashing "Our baby is dying, our baby is going to die, our baby is going to die..." and weep silently at my desk.

I don’t know what God has in store, but I pray that we may love God more, love one another more, love our children more, and love others more. I pray that we make the most out of this, that we don't waste this "trial", our baby's death, this sadness. I know all things work for good. I know this will be sad and hard and will change us forever. I think we're both prepared for the worst, that the baby can die anytime. We want to treasure God's gift of life and love our precious baby until the end. We didn’t even have to discuss it, we both knew we would carry this baby for as long as possible even though we know he will die. We're thankful we have a glimpse of what this may look like, our good friends have gone through something similar 5 years ago. We were encouraged by their faith and considered it a blessing and privilege to have walked with them during their loss, though I know every person and circumstance will be different. I don’t want to think of our dying baby as just a trial to overcome, something for us get over or try to forget, he's a person we love, that Janette is intimately caring for, that is alive, that God loves, and is ours.

Unfortunately, I don't feel very hopeful. I know God can heal anyone and the doctors haven't said anything definitive. We just know one line “There’s something wrong with the heart and kidneys and there’s a lot of fluid".
We will know more on Tuesday when we go in for a more detailed scan with a specialist. It is only Thursday.

This is all for good, but we know there will be harder days and the two boys will never really understand why we are so heartbroken. Our time with them tonight was a little more precious, we squeezed them and held them a little longer tonight.

We will be okay. We are getting more than we deserve.

"Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your glorious name 
You give and take away 
You give and take away 
My heart will choose to say Lord
blessed be Your name"

First Mid-Autumn Festival - by Janette

Dear Baby #3,

We celebrated your first Mid-Autumn Festival tonight at Gong Gong and PoPo's.

I look forward to singing you the moon lullaby song PoPo used to sing me when I was little.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0ucGq9v1SE&list=FLTrkFmWVxW_CdW88JGUXe1g&index=2

We cannot wait to see you at your anatomy scan tomorrow!

I have found the greatest baby shower gift! - by Derrick

Hi Baby,

This is my first post on our blog to you. It is a very important one.
Look what I bought Mom!  A grabber tool, like a claw!
I think this should be an essential gift for all pregnant ladies with young children. Though it seems to be marketed toward seniors who cannot reach down to pick up things, but I have found a new market for this tool. I bought mom this today, she didn't seem as excited as I was and rolled her eyes a little at me. She says I bought this more for myself so I don't have to pick up everything off the ground for her (this is partially true). I think we need to gift this to all future mothers. Look, I played pom poms with your brother today and sat on the couch the whole time!

- from your overly excited Father

First Hike - by Janette

Dear Baby #3,

You took your and your brothers' first hike at Sanborn County Park today.

You are getting big!

First Swim - by Janette

Dear Baby #3,

We took your first swim at Mama and YehYeh's today. hehe

Second Trimester - by Janette

After an easy, relatively symptom-free first trimester, second trimester greeted me with:

- heartburn, which sometimes leads to nighttime throw up
- sensitive gag reflex that coughing/brushing teeth/strong smells lead to vomiting
- morning sickness and painful dry heaving
- sick nausea feeling leading to loss of appetite (had a very healthy appetite so far)

I am 14 weeks this week, and barely feel Baby move. :0

Hope s/he is still alive, and just a very very very sleepy baby. (:

7 Years in the Making - by Janette

Dear Baby #3,

Baba and Mommy celebrated 7 happy years of marriage with ZJ and you in tow.

Praise God for His faithfulness!

Gilroy Gardens, Part II - by Janette

Dear Baby #3,

We visited Gilroy Gardens again, this time with Baba.

Gilroy Gardens - by Janette

Hi Baby #3,

For my birthday, we took you 3 kids to Gilroy Gardens with my family. :P Your brothers have not stopped asking to visit again.

You are starting to show!

Your First Concert - by Janette

Dear Baby #3,

YeeYee, you, and I went to listen to John Mayer tonight. I had not been to a concert in years! He was awesome.

Dear Baby #3 - by Janette

Dear Baby #3,

This afternoon, I could visibly see your kicks from my stomach (Week 13).

Your brothers are enamored with you already. They regularly ask if you have come out of my tummy. They cannot wait to hold you and snuggle you.

We are busy re-arranging the entire house. We unexpectedly received 2 cute + nearly brand-new toddler beds for free from NextDoor, so we will move the toddler beds into Z's room, and have both boys share Z's room! Their dream!

Today, we also learned that dear friends from church are also expecting within a few days of us. Their due dates are 2/22 and 2/24, and yours is 2/27. I am the largest of all, and will probably deliver first.

Keep growing, sweet Baby - may God continue to protect and nurture you!

Love,
Mommy

Third Wheel - by Janette

Hi Baby #3,

You were the third wheel to our date to Land's End today before a friend's wedding.

Happy 2nd Birthday, J - by Janette

Hi Baby #3,

We celebrated J's 2nd birthday today with construction trucks, sand/rock pits, and cake.

Thrilled - by Janette

ZJ are thrilled (by no exaggeration) for a new baby.

Z cannot stop thinking and talking about the baby: how it arrives, when it arrives, how our family will prepare for the baby, etc.

- Z loves to feed me things, or put things to my belly so the baby can have it.
- Z asks to touch the baby, and will tenderly pat my tummy.
- The second after Z woke from his nap, asked us to make a shopping list for baby: Crib, diapers, gun gun [lovey], toys just for baby.
- Today, Z knocked a chair into me. He gasped and said, "Sorry, Mommy! Is the baby ok?!"
- First thing Z said to me when he saw me during closing circle time was, "I want to see Baby".
- ZJ keep asking if the baby has come out yet.

But of course, there is also the hilarious:

- Z asking if the baby is in my butt.
- J saying that when Baby comes out, s/he will say "Hi Dai Dai."

Baby #3! - by Janette

A faint second line -- we are expecting our third!

Praise the Lord (:

Black Plum Sibling - by Janette

Z: Dai Dai, do you want a mui mui or another dai dai?

J: (Thinks about it) Want black plum.  (Throws head back and laughs with delight.) Black plum! Black plum!

Z: (Shrieks in laughter)