Trauma

As I walked by Z, I casually asked him to play by himself while I made a doctor's appointment.

"Do you have a baby?"

          -- "What? ... No, I do not."

With terror in his widened eyes, Z stopped playing, sat up, and continued. "I am scared, Mommy. Where will Dai Dai and I go? Will you be gone for a long time? I was afraid when you were gone with Elias. Why are you seeing the doctor? Is there something wrong?"

I studied the anxious and earnest face of my 4-year old.

        My heart breaking, I remembered how traumatic the experience was for ZJ. It was the first time we were separated for so long and so suddenly. They bounced back and forth between grandparents each day, and were horrified seeing me in a hospital bed with IVs/wires everywhere. All they knew was that Mommy and Elias were sick, and that our baby had died. How could I have thought to just mention making a doctor's appointment in front of Z? Even now, ZJ become extremely distressed around doctors and medical appointments.

I explained the reason for the visit.

     -- "A 15-minute appointment is still a long time. I don't want you to go."

     -- "But why do other people get healthy babies?"

     -- "Why did God decide to have Elias die?"

     -- "Why did God make Elias not healthy?"

     -- "Why can't we have another baby?"

I preached to Z and to myself the sovereign and kind wisdom of God, His goodness despite our circumstances, and the reality that we may not have a baby in the future.

J came out of his room and the conversation abruptly halted.